Spank my ass and call me crazy.

So I'm back staying at my cousins. House hunting hasn't been that good and I'm not ready to accept somewhere that I'm not comfortable in. I just missed out on what seemed to be a really good place and I'm kinda disappointed. Oh well, there really is nothing I can do about it.
Staying at my cousins has its pros and cons. She is a wonderful cook which is AWESOME, and a light sleeper which is not. I had this funny dream the other night that people were standing outside my bedroom door trying to get in but they couldn't. I could hear them saying "Whats he yelling about". Turns out it wasn't a dream, I was in fact calling out in my sleep. It made me wonder how often I've done this before. I just spent a month alone, did I do it then? What was I saying? Was I angry, upset, confused? I have no idea. I kind of wish I knew.

So I was thinking about this last night as I sat outside and had a smoke. I allowed myself to drift off a little and imagine what it would be like if I were sleeping with someone, what would they say, how would they react? Then I did that thing where you have an imaginary conversation in your head with someone and I caught myself smiling and I pulled up short because I realised...
I have the beginnings of an imaginary girlfriend. We talk all the time, I think she works in a bar. Sometimes when we're lying in bed she'll whisper things to me.
This is difficult to write, you see, because I am unsure of how much to reveal before I have revealed too much. Just how crazy is crazy?
She is only there at night, and only when I am tired and stoned. She even has a goddamn name. One of my favourite things to imagine is I'm cooking her dinner and she comes home and sits, relaxing, watching me, or else she's doing the dishes and I come up behind her and put my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder and she leans her head on mine. I tell her I love her and she smiles. We stay that way for what could be hours.

It seems I crave the most basic of domestic comforts. The littlest touch, perhaps, to lie together like puppies. To admit this makes me feel so fucking pathetic that I hate myself with a vengeance.

No wonder I cry out in the night.

Bash that fucking face in.

Do you know what i do sometimes? And don't say masturbate in the mirror because i stopped doing that when i realised my 'O' face was a lot like my bored face. No, sometimes when I'm a bit 'unhinged' I like to imagine myself beating the shit out of someone. I'll extrapolate.

I like to imagine that perhaps I've caught someone stealing from my store and when i confront them they do something like, say, pull a needle on me. Instead of freezing like a little girl I spring into action. I wrench the needle from their hand and commence "Beat Down 2008". Perhaps i drag the person outside on the footpath and do it there, maybe i keep them inside and intimate. Another one of my fantasies is where i catch guy trying to rape a girl and I subject him to what is basically torture.

I think maybe what i want most is people to see me beating someone half to death. With each blow i want teeth to fly and blood to spurt. I want people to stand shocked and appalled, after a while someone will step from the crowd and pull me off whatever is left. I want to see horrified faces and revulsion in peoples eyes. I want to be surprised at my own savagery, but at the same time, satisfied with the animal inside me. I want people to cower when i look at them.

What I want most of all is for everyone to be afraid of me.