Blah blah i went to a party on the weekend and had lot and lots of fun. Well, had a bit of fun, you know, had a few drinks, had half a pill, smoked about my own body weight in weed. It was ok. I forgot that these 'party' things can be enjoyable. Mind you, i did have the urge a few times to wander off and be alone, which i did and was nice, but you know, it wasn't all that bad. I'm feeling pretty furry today though, i can't deny. Vague, can't focus, highly unmotivated. Pretty much as per usual but with a few of the edges knocked off. I am finding myself quick to anger today. Who'd a thunk it? I did have a very nice time during the whole 'coming down at home' period that was sunday morning between 5-7am. Smoked so much pot, watched dvds, felt my brain melt. There was a wonderful bit where i was lying down, just falling asleep with my body twitching around me. I forgot how i can really enjoy some parts of the whole 'drug experience' but not the entire thing. I didn't really have any blank spots in my memory though, which was nice.
This post is not really about anything. I just wanted to type. I got up to some shenanagins on the weekend but i can't remember who reads this so i don't know if i can post it or not. You know, secrets secrets.
I have watched 72 episodes of scrubs in one week. At this party, i kept turning around thinking that J.D. or Dr Cox would be there. I know, weird huh. I talked for a while with a very beautiful young lady with a very strange accent. It was english australian canadian, all at the same time. No joke. In one sentance you'd get all three. It was pretty far out. I thought that she was joking to begin with. And joel, you were right. She was a Lesbian. Goddamn it. They're everywhere at the moment.
Went to dinner with a friend on sunday night. We had dumplings and they were great! Sat in the city watching a parade of milky white asian girls legs walk past. It was assmazing. Went home, watched a few episodes of the Mr Show show with David cross. Its actually not that good. Watched some family guy. Its so much better. I am now half way through Curb season 5. I love Cheryl. I remembered that i'd had a sex dream about her, which was nice. Last night i ate a steak as big as my face, it was huge. I dying to take a huge meaty poo though. Its gonna smell so bad i just know it. I have taken to wipping with baby wipes. Have you tried these things? They're awesome! Like a face refresher, but for the anus! Yay!
I gotta go, this makes hardly any sense and its time to clock off at work.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
I have no home but I must blog.
Alright, this is totally fucked up right here. I am now officially homeless. I am staying at my cousins house for a bit (bless her) and I have had heaps of offers for places to stay, but no where to call my own. Yeah, pretty wacky. And it has absolutely nothing to do with money which is making it feel even weirder. I'be been to heaps of house interviews and nothing. I'm begining to suspect that people just don't like me. Which is fair enough. Being homeless is just keeping it interesting for me, you know how I roll, bit of excitement here, a bit there, never lie down on the job, you know, all that guff.
But seriously, this is totally fucked up. It hit me this morning as I was opening up my store thinking, "I could sleep here". It wasn't a pleasant realisation. But I'm tough, I'm strong, I'm a killer with a baby's face, I'll find something. Right?
Anyway, so I'm staying with my cousin but I have a slight problem. I don't want to intrude on their way of life at all, if I could lurk in the rafters I would, swoop down later to clean and pack them lunches for the next day. So this problem I have, its not serious, in fact, its kinda funny, but its very very invasive. Its my feet and they stink. And I am serious, they fucking stink. They mother-fucking-cock-sucking stink. In my mind, when i refer to them i call them my shit-heels. They turn my socks funny colours. And not funny "ha ha hilarious" but "I've never seen that colour outside of a bruise" funny. It is hard to describe the smell exactly, picture, I don't know, an animal that is made out of feces and blue cheese that dies and starts to decompose. That's what my feet smell like. They are rank beyond belief. I have wondered how carrion eaters poo smells and I'm fairly certain it would smell similar to my feet.
I imagine that this is what hyenas shit smells like. And I'm not even close to kidding. I've lost erections over the smell of my own feet.
So no home and shit-heeled. Great. I'm going to start a blues band. We're going to be called 'The shit-heeled homeless fuckheads'. I'd ask you if you wanted to join but trust me, you want none of this.
The end.
But seriously, this is totally fucked up. It hit me this morning as I was opening up my store thinking, "I could sleep here". It wasn't a pleasant realisation. But I'm tough, I'm strong, I'm a killer with a baby's face, I'll find something. Right?
Anyway, so I'm staying with my cousin but I have a slight problem. I don't want to intrude on their way of life at all, if I could lurk in the rafters I would, swoop down later to clean and pack them lunches for the next day. So this problem I have, its not serious, in fact, its kinda funny, but its very very invasive. Its my feet and they stink. And I am serious, they fucking stink. They mother-fucking-cock-sucking stink. In my mind, when i refer to them i call them my shit-heels. They turn my socks funny colours. And not funny "ha ha hilarious" but "I've never seen that colour outside of a bruise" funny. It is hard to describe the smell exactly, picture, I don't know, an animal that is made out of feces and blue cheese that dies and starts to decompose. That's what my feet smell like. They are rank beyond belief. I have wondered how carrion eaters poo smells and I'm fairly certain it would smell similar to my feet.
I imagine that this is what hyenas shit smells like. And I'm not even close to kidding. I've lost erections over the smell of my own feet.
So no home and shit-heeled. Great. I'm going to start a blues band. We're going to be called 'The shit-heeled homeless fuckheads'. I'd ask you if you wanted to join but trust me, you want none of this.
The end.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I got something that you ain't got.
So today i'm going to talk a little about cluster headaches (CH). Purely because i dislike talking about them so much. So i won't enjoy this any more than you, great, here we go.
What is a Cluster headache? A cluster headache is sometimes called an 'alarm clock headache' because they generally happen at the same time every day, without fail. For me, more often that not, they occur about 1 1/2 hours after i've gone to bed so i wake up with in incredible pain. They generally last about half an hour to 45 minutes, but can be both shorter and longer. They also come in cycles, with up 3 attacks a day, each cycle lasting about a month, then i can have any where from 6-12 month pain free before they start again. And generally always at the same times of year, for instance, when winter is moving into spring, spring into summer, that kind of thing. They really do move like clock work. A weird shitty pain filled ass clock of hate and loathing, but some sort of stupid fucking clock all the same. Wake up, its time to hate yourself and curse the world. Who sets their alarm for that?
So i have a medical condition. Its strange, 'having something'. Like leukemia, or cancer, or AIDS or whatever. Does it make me different? I guess it does, I can't drink alcohol, shouldn't smoke cigarettes and can't wear cologne because its one of my triggers. Sometimes i have to sleep upright, and at the moment i am managing my CH using oxygen, I have a big bottle of compressed O2 at the foot of my bed that I get on whenever i feel a CH coming on. Generally i also wrap my head in ice packs, but i have to change them every half hour because my head generates so much heat that they melt very quickly. When having an attack you can't lie down because it increases the pain so usually you sit up or as a lot of people do, pace around.
What is it like having a CH? Its like the most intense ice-cream headache that you've ever had. I know it sounds ridiculous, but imagine an ice-cream headache so bad that the pain makes you throw up and then start planning your very own quick and painless death. Oh yeah, for a while cluster headaches were known as 'suicide headaches' because many people killed themselves because of them. Not even close to joking. I usually consider suicide at least once per cycle, or, if my attacks are really bad, once per day. One good (good?) thing is that when the pain finally subsides, the relief is truly a thing of beauty. Its difficult to describe, i guess the main thing is that in contrast to the pain, no pain is fucking heaven. Often after i have had a particularly bad attack i find myself almost passing out from relief. I imagine this is how junkies feel when they have been hanging out for a while then finally score.
Are there other ways to manage CHs? Yes, there are a variety of drugs with names like sumatriptan, rizatriptan, cafergot and other things that make them sound a lot cooler than they actually are. I have heard morphine works, i have not tried it yet but it is on the list. Many pain killers don't work so its no use trying them. I have a particular fondness of nurofen plus but i think that its mainly a placebo effect.
I guess the worst thing is that this condition robs me of my dignity. I become a sweating twitching mess that moans an waves his arms around above his head. Why? Because sometimes that helps. My legs kick like i'm giving up heroin and my breathing becomes slow and laboured and i find it best to breath through my mouth. My whole body tenses up and in the very thick of it i often have very bizarre waking dreams. I almost woke my housemates up the other night to drive me to the hospital because i was in so much goddamn pain, but i didn't want anyone to see me in that state so i just massaged my head with ice. It worked, but i would really like to see how morphine works one of these days. Anything that stops them dead has got to be alright in my book. One day i would really love to just let myself go, scream, cry and bang my head like many other people do, but i have a certain sense of pride. Weird, i know.
below is a scale they use to gauge the pain. I have had the 10s, but since i stopped drinking, i generally don't go there so much any more. Also not smoking so much helps heaps. I should really give up smoking, but i am just too addicted. Generally i surf at about a 7-9. If i get on it quick with the O2 i can keep them at about 5-6. If i drink alcohol the night before i am guaranteed at least an 8, no questions.
So that's about it really. There isn't much more you need to know, in fact, you don't need to know any of this, but i figured, like my AIDS, i'd share.
Intensity Scale (adapted from the 'Kip scale')
0. No pain, life is beautiful
1. Very minor, shadow's come and go. Life is still beautiful
2. More persistent shadow's
3. Shadow's are getting constant but can deal with it
4. Starting to get bad, want to be left alone
5. Still not a "pacer" but need space
6. Need to pace and move and drive your fist into your temple
7. Pretty bad, left feeling exhausted after it finally leaves.
8. Time to scream, yell, curse, head bang, rock, whatever works.
9. The "Why me?" syndrome starts to set in. Fear that it won't stop.
10. Major pain, screaming, head banging, Hospital trip. Depressed. Suicidal.
What is a Cluster headache? A cluster headache is sometimes called an 'alarm clock headache' because they generally happen at the same time every day, without fail. For me, more often that not, they occur about 1 1/2 hours after i've gone to bed so i wake up with in incredible pain. They generally last about half an hour to 45 minutes, but can be both shorter and longer. They also come in cycles, with up 3 attacks a day, each cycle lasting about a month, then i can have any where from 6-12 month pain free before they start again. And generally always at the same times of year, for instance, when winter is moving into spring, spring into summer, that kind of thing. They really do move like clock work. A weird shitty pain filled ass clock of hate and loathing, but some sort of stupid fucking clock all the same. Wake up, its time to hate yourself and curse the world. Who sets their alarm for that?
So i have a medical condition. Its strange, 'having something'. Like leukemia, or cancer, or AIDS or whatever. Does it make me different? I guess it does, I can't drink alcohol, shouldn't smoke cigarettes and can't wear cologne because its one of my triggers. Sometimes i have to sleep upright, and at the moment i am managing my CH using oxygen, I have a big bottle of compressed O2 at the foot of my bed that I get on whenever i feel a CH coming on. Generally i also wrap my head in ice packs, but i have to change them every half hour because my head generates so much heat that they melt very quickly. When having an attack you can't lie down because it increases the pain so usually you sit up or as a lot of people do, pace around.
What is it like having a CH? Its like the most intense ice-cream headache that you've ever had. I know it sounds ridiculous, but imagine an ice-cream headache so bad that the pain makes you throw up and then start planning your very own quick and painless death. Oh yeah, for a while cluster headaches were known as 'suicide headaches' because many people killed themselves because of them. Not even close to joking. I usually consider suicide at least once per cycle, or, if my attacks are really bad, once per day. One good (good?) thing is that when the pain finally subsides, the relief is truly a thing of beauty. Its difficult to describe, i guess the main thing is that in contrast to the pain, no pain is fucking heaven. Often after i have had a particularly bad attack i find myself almost passing out from relief. I imagine this is how junkies feel when they have been hanging out for a while then finally score.
Are there other ways to manage CHs? Yes, there are a variety of drugs with names like sumatriptan, rizatriptan, cafergot and other things that make them sound a lot cooler than they actually are. I have heard morphine works, i have not tried it yet but it is on the list. Many pain killers don't work so its no use trying them. I have a particular fondness of nurofen plus but i think that its mainly a placebo effect.
I guess the worst thing is that this condition robs me of my dignity. I become a sweating twitching mess that moans an waves his arms around above his head. Why? Because sometimes that helps. My legs kick like i'm giving up heroin and my breathing becomes slow and laboured and i find it best to breath through my mouth. My whole body tenses up and in the very thick of it i often have very bizarre waking dreams. I almost woke my housemates up the other night to drive me to the hospital because i was in so much goddamn pain, but i didn't want anyone to see me in that state so i just massaged my head with ice. It worked, but i would really like to see how morphine works one of these days. Anything that stops them dead has got to be alright in my book. One day i would really love to just let myself go, scream, cry and bang my head like many other people do, but i have a certain sense of pride. Weird, i know.
below is a scale they use to gauge the pain. I have had the 10s, but since i stopped drinking, i generally don't go there so much any more. Also not smoking so much helps heaps. I should really give up smoking, but i am just too addicted. Generally i surf at about a 7-9. If i get on it quick with the O2 i can keep them at about 5-6. If i drink alcohol the night before i am guaranteed at least an 8, no questions.
So that's about it really. There isn't much more you need to know, in fact, you don't need to know any of this, but i figured, like my AIDS, i'd share.
Intensity Scale (adapted from the 'Kip scale')
0. No pain, life is beautiful
1. Very minor, shadow's come and go. Life is still beautiful
2. More persistent shadow's
3. Shadow's are getting constant but can deal with it
4. Starting to get bad, want to be left alone
5. Still not a "pacer" but need space
6. Need to pace and move and drive your fist into your temple
7. Pretty bad, left feeling exhausted after it finally leaves.
8. Time to scream, yell, curse, head bang, rock, whatever works.
9. The "Why me?" syndrome starts to set in. Fear that it won't stop.
10. Major pain, screaming, head banging, Hospital trip. Depressed. Suicidal.
Monday, August 25, 2008
One week in the life of the meek.
So i'm looking for a house at the moment. I tells ya, i'd rather be punching my face or stabbing my cock, looking for a house fucking sucks. Sharing, renting, you name it, it bites. Every ones all "Think of all the new people you'll meet" and i'm all "I'm too old for that shit". Fucketty fuck.
So in other news my faux-grandmother died the other day. I only met her a few times, she raised my mother but wasn't really "gran" to me. Which is ok, she didn't have to be. I feel more upset for my mother, when she rang me to tell me i had to pretend to cry on the phone so my mother wouldn't think i was a heartless arsehole. To tell you the truth, really i felt nothing.
So I have this thing, this, medical condition, called "Cluster headaches". They can be pretty debilitating, and i hate talking about it but i guess its nice to know why I disappear a few times a year and no one hears from me. They are difficult to describe, but its probably the most painful thing that i've encounted. Its like being punched in the eye, really hard, lots of times. They used to be called 'suicide headaches'. Now the call me their bitch. Go to the site and read some descriptions, or, youtube some footage of people having attacks. One of thew few things that i've found helps is pure oxygen. At the moment i have a 4100 litre bottle of O2 in my room, which ties in nicely to my obsession with medical ephemera. When i feel a headache coming on i put the mask on and breath deeply for about 20 minutes. It helps. Also, i have to sleep sitting up which is pretty wack. Did you know they don't make any chairs or anything for sleeping up right in? Get on it all my designer friends.
So i'm tired because i'm hardly sleeping and when i do it has to be sitting up, i'm in pain that i can't really escape and judging from my reaction to my mothers mother death, it turns out that i'm hollow inside. I really want to fuck my bosses wife too, you know, just though that i'd throw that in there because I figure i can't really get any more fucked up. Sometimes i feel like a caricature of someone that i wrote when i was really angry and sometimes i feel like i'm just taking the piss out of myself. You decide, i couldn't be fucked and i don't really care anyway.
So in other news my faux-grandmother died the other day. I only met her a few times, she raised my mother but wasn't really "gran" to me. Which is ok, she didn't have to be. I feel more upset for my mother, when she rang me to tell me i had to pretend to cry on the phone so my mother wouldn't think i was a heartless arsehole. To tell you the truth, really i felt nothing.
So I have this thing, this, medical condition, called "Cluster headaches". They can be pretty debilitating, and i hate talking about it but i guess its nice to know why I disappear a few times a year and no one hears from me. They are difficult to describe, but its probably the most painful thing that i've encounted. Its like being punched in the eye, really hard, lots of times. They used to be called 'suicide headaches'. Now the call me their bitch. Go to the site and read some descriptions, or, youtube some footage of people having attacks. One of thew few things that i've found helps is pure oxygen. At the moment i have a 4100 litre bottle of O2 in my room, which ties in nicely to my obsession with medical ephemera. When i feel a headache coming on i put the mask on and breath deeply for about 20 minutes. It helps. Also, i have to sleep sitting up which is pretty wack. Did you know they don't make any chairs or anything for sleeping up right in? Get on it all my designer friends.
So i'm tired because i'm hardly sleeping and when i do it has to be sitting up, i'm in pain that i can't really escape and judging from my reaction to my mothers mother death, it turns out that i'm hollow inside. I really want to fuck my bosses wife too, you know, just though that i'd throw that in there because I figure i can't really get any more fucked up. Sometimes i feel like a caricature of someone that i wrote when i was really angry and sometimes i feel like i'm just taking the piss out of myself. You decide, i couldn't be fucked and i don't really care anyway.
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