Monday, August 2, 2010

My secret girlfriend.

I'm stuck in a relationship that I've been in, off and on, more on than off, for the last ten years. Its passive aggressive and terribly self destructive and I can't see myself getting out anytime soon. I love her but I hate her at the same time. She has made me complacent with my life where as I need a partner that pushes me to be all that I can be. She has convinced me that what I do is good enough and that there is no point in trying for anything better. We spend the weekends on the couch, we hardly ever go anywhere and when we do, even if its something as normal as a party, it wears us out and we can generally only stay for a few hours at the most. We don't do drugs and we don't drink so it seems that nothing really exciting happens in our lives unless we make it happen, and my baby, Mary-Jane, doesn't seem to want that. We are so wrapped up in each other that our grip on the outside world and our perceptions of reality are tenuous at best.

Tonight though, I am wrapped in her loving embrace so I can hardly think of anything bad to say about her, but tomorrow I know I will curse her presence and wish for a life without her. But I will do nothing about it because I am trapped, a slave to her and everything that comes with her. Such a sense of security, as fragile as it is, so warm and loving when needed, comforting and calming, reliable. She fills the empty places inside me and helps keep the night from braying in. I mean, I think she does. I've spent so long with her that to be honest, I can hardly tell anymore. Perhaps she is the creature in the night, the reason I sleep funny, the reason I get uncomfortable in crowds. She has distracted me so much that I can't even finish this properly.

I wrote this a few months ago, 3 and a half to be exact, and we've been broken up for about two of those months now. I feel great. I saw her on the weekend for the first time and we spent some time together. I don't know how I feel about it. It was nice to see her, I can't deny, but she bought up some old memories that I'm not keen to relive. I think it was a mistake to see her, on reflection, because now that we are apart she calls to me. And it would be the perfect time to see her, you know, there's new episodes of Cops on and later there is new Entourage. If I see her tonight, then I'll definitely want to see her tomorrow, and then the day after that and the day after that and so on and so forth. You know how it is, just a little at first and then a little won't do so a little gets more and more, to quote Guns and Roses. I would like to be strong, but I am unsure how long I can last. "Just a little" she whispers, "one or two tokes won't hurt". Her voice is alluring and her embrace, to be honest, just can't be beat. She comforts me when there is nothing to be comforted about, but the feeling of insulation she provides is better than any bullet proof vest.

On the positive side, I'm feeling a lot more stable mentally without her. I'm not up and down like a roller coaster, I don't wake up feeling like I've been hit in the head with a mallet, I can remember what happened yesterday and where I was last week. Not with the greatest of clarity, I'll admit, but things are a lot clearer. I have this thing now called focus which is very weird for me, I mean, I sort of have a life plan now. There are things that I want that are no longer just vague outlines, I am no longer just reaching for things that I could never reach and then being unjustly disappointed. True, I've hardly written a word since we broke up, but I honestly feel like nothing has happened that's been worth writing about. Every little thing does not seem to make itself into something that its not. Things make sense and don't confuse me as easily. I can remember people names and faces and every trip outside is not some huge adventure. Everyday things are not confronting and I can almost see how everyone else sees the world.

It sucks, but its better than faking everything and being wrapped in uncertainty.

Oh yeah, and did I mention the dreams? I am dreaming more now than I ever have in my life. But that's a whole other story for a whole other time.

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