I got something that you ain't got.

So today i'm going to talk a little about cluster headaches (CH). Purely because i dislike talking about them so much. So i won't enjoy this any more than you, great, here we go.
What is a Cluster headache? A cluster headache is sometimes called an 'alarm clock headache' because they generally happen at the same time every day, without fail. For me, more often that not, they occur about 1 1/2 hours after i've gone to bed so i wake up with in incredible pain. They generally last about half an hour to 45 minutes, but can be both shorter and longer. They also come in cycles, with up 3 attacks a day, each cycle lasting about a month, then i can have any where from 6-12 month pain free before they start again. And generally always at the same times of year, for instance, when winter is moving into spring, spring into summer, that kind of thing. They really do move like clock work. A weird shitty pain filled ass clock of hate and loathing, but some sort of stupid fucking clock all the same. Wake up, its time to hate yourself and curse the world. Who sets their alarm for that?

So i have a medical condition. Its strange, 'having something'. Like leukemia, or cancer, or AIDS or whatever. Does it make me different? I guess it does, I can't drink alcohol, shouldn't smoke cigarettes and can't wear cologne because its one of my triggers. Sometimes i have to sleep upright, and at the moment i am managing my CH using oxygen, I have a big bottle of compressed O2 at the foot of my bed that I get on whenever i feel a CH coming on. Generally i also wrap my head in ice packs, but i have to change them every half hour because my head generates so much heat that they melt very quickly. When having an attack you can't lie down because it increases the pain so usually you sit up or as a lot of people do, pace around.

What is it like having a CH? Its like the most intense ice-cream headache that you've ever had. I know it sounds ridiculous, but imagine an ice-cream headache so bad that the pain makes you throw up and then start planning your very own quick and painless death. Oh yeah, for a while cluster headaches were known as 'suicide headaches' because many people killed themselves because of them. Not even close to joking. I usually consider suicide at least once per cycle, or, if my attacks are really bad, once per day. One good (good?) thing is that when the pain finally subsides, the relief is truly a thing of beauty. Its difficult to describe, i guess the main thing is that in contrast to the pain, no pain is fucking heaven. Often after i have had a particularly bad attack i find myself almost passing out from relief. I imagine this is how junkies feel when they have been hanging out for a while then finally score.

Are there other ways to manage CHs? Yes, there are a variety of drugs with names like sumatriptan, rizatriptan, cafergot and other things that make them sound a lot cooler than they actually are. I have heard morphine works, i have not tried it yet but it is on the list. Many pain killers don't work so its no use trying them. I have a particular fondness of nurofen plus but i think that its mainly a placebo effect.

I guess the worst thing is that this condition robs me of my dignity. I become a sweating twitching mess that moans an waves his arms around above his head. Why? Because sometimes that helps. My legs kick like i'm giving up heroin and my breathing becomes slow and laboured and i find it best to breath through my mouth. My whole body tenses up and in the very thick of it i often have very bizarre waking dreams. I almost woke my housemates up the other night to drive me to the hospital because i was in so much goddamn pain, but i didn't want anyone to see me in that state so i just massaged my head with ice. It worked, but i would really like to see how morphine works one of these days. Anything that stops them dead has got to be alright in my book. One day i would really love to just let myself go, scream, cry and bang my head like many other people do, but i have a certain sense of pride. Weird, i know.

below is a scale they use to gauge the pain. I have had the 10s, but since i stopped drinking, i generally don't go there so much any more. Also not smoking so much helps heaps. I should really give up smoking, but i am just too addicted. Generally i surf at about a 7-9. If i get on it quick with the O2 i can keep them at about 5-6. If i drink alcohol the night before i am guaranteed at least an 8, no questions.

So that's about it really. There isn't much more you need to know, in fact, you don't need to know any of this, but i figured, like my AIDS, i'd share.

Intensity Scale (adapted from the 'Kip scale')
0. No pain, life is beautiful
1. Very minor, shadow's come and go. Life is still beautiful
2. More persistent shadow's
3. Shadow's are getting constant but can deal with it
4. Starting to get bad, want to be left alone
5. Still not a "pacer" but need space
6. Need to pace and move and drive your fist into your temple
7. Pretty bad, left feeling exhausted after it finally leaves.
8. Time to scream, yell, curse, head bang, rock, whatever works.
9. The "Why me?" syndrome starts to set in. Fear that it won't stop.
10. Major pain, screaming, head banging, Hospital trip. Depressed. Suicidal.

One week in the life of the meek.

So i'm looking for a house at the moment. I tells ya, i'd rather be punching my face or stabbing my cock, looking for a house fucking sucks. Sharing, renting, you name it, it bites. Every ones all "Think of all the new people you'll meet" and i'm all "I'm too old for that shit". Fucketty fuck.

So in other news my faux-grandmother died the other day. I only met her a few times, she raised my mother but wasn't really "gran" to me. Which is ok, she didn't have to be. I feel more upset for my mother, when she rang me to tell me i had to pretend to cry on the phone so my mother wouldn't think i was a heartless arsehole. To tell you the truth, really i felt nothing.

So I have this thing, this, medical condition, called "Cluster headaches". They can be pretty debilitating, and i hate talking about it but i guess its nice to know why I disappear a few times a year and no one hears from me. They are difficult to describe, but its probably the most painful thing that i've encounted. Its like being punched in the eye, really hard, lots of times. They used to be called 'suicide headaches'. Now the call me their bitch. Go to the site and read some descriptions, or, youtube some footage of people having attacks. One of thew few things that i've found helps is pure oxygen. At the moment i have a 4100 litre bottle of O2 in my room, which ties in nicely to my obsession with medical ephemera. When i feel a headache coming on i put the mask on and breath deeply for about 20 minutes. It helps. Also, i have to sleep sitting up which is pretty wack. Did you know they don't make any chairs or anything for sleeping up right in? Get on it all my designer friends.

So i'm tired because i'm hardly sleeping and when i do it has to be sitting up, i'm in pain that i can't really escape and judging from my reaction to my mothers mother death, it turns out that i'm hollow inside. I really want to fuck my bosses wife too, you know, just though that i'd throw that in there because I figure i can't really get any more fucked up. Sometimes i feel like a caricature of someone that i wrote when i was really angry and sometimes i feel like i'm just taking the piss out of myself. You decide, i couldn't be fucked and i don't really care anyway.