Another version of a similar theme

Area stoner attempts quirky Onion style article, fails.

Area Stoner Stab Cock recently attempted to write a piece in the style of hit counter-culture publication, The Onion, on what he describes as a "philosophical journey, through the eyes of a stoner, but funny like in the Onion" but fell well short of his goal and in his own words "fucked it completely."
Cock later said of the incident, "I had this great idea where I'd write this article in the style of an Onion article, but when I got down to it and actually started to write it, I realized my idea was cliche' and hackneyed. When I sat down and started typing, I saw that I wasn't being funny at all and everything I wrote sounded forced and weird."
Although Cock's as yet unread article may have indeed had some credit, Cock himself admitted that he got bogged down in his own "hypothetical pseudo-intellectual bullshit," and that the piece remained unfinished because he "couldn't be bothered trying to think the way out of this cluster fuck of an idea."
As yet Cock has no plans to finish the piece, but says that he might one day, if a better, more thoroughly formed and thought out idea doesn't come through.

Apathy defeats bloggersphere, the laziest of all literary circles.

Melbourne, VIC. After several false starts, local blogger Stabface Punchcock, is about ready to concede defeat in the face of apathy. "I just don't think I care anymore, you know?" he rhetorically asked his 'audience', "It's not like people will care if I stop, or perhaps even notice" he blogged with obvious self pity. "Maybe this whole 'writer' thing was just a phase, something we all go through". Punchcock's blog took a turn for the boring on Tuesday when it was discovered that although Punchcock had experienced many events in the past few weeks, none of them were deemed exciting enough to relate to strangers. "I mean, Jesus, last week I learned how to make a salad. Not even my mum cared to hear about that one." When asked about Puchcocks salad, his mother could only groan and ask "God, is he still talking about that? It was a salad for Christs sake."
Whilst trying to explain his lack of enthusiasm Puchcock had this to say. "Sure I went to a party and there was that film I saw but you know, even I didn't want to go to that party and I knew the film was going to suck, so... you know, no point really." When asked to relate his favorite story, Punchcock was interrupted by a friend telling him that he'd read that before, on his blog. "I, uh, I guess I don't have any then." was his melancholic reply. When asked his motivation for his latest failed blog Punchcock suggested "Anger maybe? Frustration? Some sort of obvious sexual inadequacy? I mean, I'd love to say it was for the chicks but seriously, have you read this shit? It's like a misogynist manifesto. Christ, in most of it I come off sounding like a Nazi. I guess you could call it 'Mien Kampf-puter', yeah? Ok, don't then, whatever. Anyway, I think maybe all I've done is validate the theory that the Internet is only good for porn and stalking. Not that I've stalked" he said, whilst trying to surreptitiously close down his Facebook tab on his web-browser.

"I mean, it sounds like I'm being a bit harsh on myself but seriously? Who wants to read this shit? I don't even want to live this shit, let alone regurgitate a blander, more boring version of it for people with no teeth to hoover up." After expressing some vague feelings of pent up rage and frustration, Punchcock let out a big sigh and just stared at the keyboard for some time. He then typed a sentence, deleted it, only to type it again exactly how it was.

"Oh wait!" he cried, slapping his forehead, "There was that bike accident right outside my store today. But then the guy got right back up and rode off so he obviously wasn't injured or anything, which was kinda disappointing. I guess it was nothing really. Hmm."

When asked what literary devices he used to hook in readers, Punchcock could only reply, "I use colloquialisms like, 'you know', 'kinda', and, I, uh, I trail off a fair bit, that always seems to work to convey a lack of commitment, and not, as some think, talent. I also swear a lot and try and use confronting themes. Like pedophilia. Only now people think I'm a pedophile so that one hasn't really worked out so well..." As yet Punchcock has no other plans to even attempt to write another piece because, as his apathathetic ass put it, "It just sounds too much like hard work, you know?"



In other news, an Onion inspired article has failed to meet up to the high expectations hoped for by its author. "They were ridiculously high" the author explained, "Even I realised that".