Things that I will miss: A year in review.

My Headaches.

This year I have had about 4 of my cluster headaches and none of them have lasted more than a few hours. No month long cycles, no waking up in agony and throwing up, no ice packs at midnight, no stumbling to work only to collapse in a chair, no shaking, no puffy face and a desperate need for caffeine, no wondering if this is it, if perhaps this is when I finally call time out and make sure that I can never suffer again, no planning my own death and wondering if I will need a will or if a few scribbled lines can suffice.

And god damn it if I don't miss them. Sometimes I think that I can feel them coming and I sort of look forward to it, I think this is it, no doubt, in a few hours I will be sitting up in bed with my legs twitching waiting for that golden moment when the pain eclipses everything else and then starts to fade, that glorious moment where they have peaked and have started to subside, the sweat cooling on my body as relief floods over me like a sunrise, where the three hours sleep that I will get will be sweeter than any sleep that I have ever had.

As much as I hate them they are like some terrible lover that has left me, perhaps never to return, perhaps she will be back next week. Her embrace drains me and leaves me limp and shivering. I have had lovers that have drained me completely and left me exhausted but none have left me with the feeling of relief that I get when she leaves me. She is terrifying and comforting all at the same time, beautiful and vicious, awful and awe inspiring. As much as I wish that I had never met her, I worry that without her I am nothing. I miss her, I love her and I hope to god that I never see her again.

Miss Mary Jane.

She is another lover who has kept me warm and safe and solitary. Hers is an embrace which helps keep me isolated but in an entirely different way. When I am with her I can be alone in a room full of people, I can ostracize myself from my best friends and only regret it until she enters the room again. When I am with her she is the only thing that I will ever need, when I am away from her I know the she is the last thing in the world that I require.

We have been broken up for nearly six months now but I can not deny that I have fallen into the age old trap of sleeping with the ex. Her touch is tender like no others, insidious and addictive. She has been a part of my life for so long that I can't imagine what my life would be like without her. I have this unfortunate feeling that she will always be around, lurking at the edge of my sub-consciousness, she is the booty call that always answers, the lover that never refuses, she takes more than she can ever give and I am prone to weakness and have nothing left to lose.

In reality.

This year the only lovers that I have had have been loss, regret, addiction and despair and not once has any of them told me that they loved me. Not once have we lain in bed whispering sweet nothings to each other, not once have they leaned over and run their fingers through my hair and told me that there is no place that they'd rather be, not once have I looked them in the eye and thought 'I could die happy now'. They fill me only with empty space in the same way that the distances between planets is what makes the solar system the lonely cold and desolate place that it is.