Whores, not horse.

(I RARELY DO THIS BUT I ISSUE A WARNING ABOUT A LINK AT THE BOTTOM. IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED AT ALL IN GORE THEN DO NOT CLICK THE LINK, I FUCKING MEAN IT. THIS VIDEO KEPT ME AWAKE AT NIGHT. YOU WERE WARNED.)

So with this whole radio show outrage thing going on at the moment I have come to the conclusion that the main problem here is that no one has a sense of humor any more.

I found the entire thing hilarious. From the anger in the teens voice to the 3 second long pause to Kyle Slimyhands' tactless "Is that the only experience you've had?" The whole thing is hilarity, can you imagine the look on the mothers face when that happened? Forget The Office or Extras or any of those 'cringe comedy's, this is the real deal. There is where the laughs are, this is where people get those wonderful ideas that change the world.

For instance. What if a comedy team, perhaps the now defunct Chaser boys, got together and said "Lets fuck this shit up" and went out and entered all those stupid radio stunts with the intention of A) telling the truth and making sure that B) they were horrible truths indeed. Here is an example. Lets pretend that a radio show is doing a "worst sex of all time" competition. Here is where someone rings up and tells them about the time they fucked their sister. Or got fucked by their uncle. Derail that whole thing and send it spinning into a bunch of houses. You know. Kind of like what that girl did but on purpose. Make it your intention to make everything awkward and uncomfortable.

Are you following me yet? Do you know what I'm saying? Are you picking up what I'm laying down? And don't tell me that somethings are out of bounds as far as humor goes. I'll let you in on a little secret, this is what actually makes it funny, the fact that it is taboo to laugh at.

And now for something a bit light hearted. There is this article on MSN. Can't two peop- can't one person and one horse just love each other? Why is everything any good deemed as bad in society's eyes? Let true love bloom I say. But beware, you may end up like this guy who is one of my all time favorite people. I found the video once and it actually shook me up. I'm totally desensitised now though, so I can watch all kinds of zoophilia and I won't be effected. Great. I can also look at endless amounts of gore without batting an eyelid thanks to (WARNING)this(WARNING) video. Hopefully I can get a job reviewing edgeplay bestiality videos because it seems that it would suit me.

I fucking warned you.

Radio unfriendly

If you haven't heard this then go listen now. I like how everyone comes off looking bad. And how Kyle Slanderhands tries to shift the blame by saying "that's probably something we should have known before hand". How? The mum is supposed to take him aside and say "We're about to ask my daughter about her sexual experience but the funny thing is and, get this, the one sexual experience she's had was forced! Hilarious!" Way to know the outcome of a question and then ask it anyway.
Fuck them all. I'm placing bets that the daughter will kill herself, Kyle and Jackie O will be fired, and the mum will sink into an alcoholic depression. And you know what? No one will care then either.
It was bought to my attention that I should care more about things like this, that I shouldn't be so cold and hard. Possibly. But it's too late now. You know how I feel about the world.

Eros is sick. Euthanize.

Slept on concrete, if you could call that sleeping.

This retard. Seriously. Someone give him AIDS so he can die an long and painful death. He also does instructional cooking videos. How random can one paranoid fuckhead be?

Come to think of it, his website is almost the exact format that I'd like mine to be, only with out all the hate- wait, without all the anti-semiticism.

I just spent an hour reading wikipedia articles on the Holocaust. For all the horrors that were WW2, it sure makes interesting reading. Not pleasant, but very interesting. I worry that I might be becoming a Nazi, but then I remember that I'm a left wing dope smoking hippie who occasionally kisses boys so, you know, I think I'm safe for now.

Have I introduced you to the new feet at which I worship? Readers, meet Christina Hendricks. Its ok, you can thank me later. I wonder what her milky skin would taste like, besides heaven. Blue veiny heaven, perhaps. What is it with redheads being so amazing? Give the rest of us a break will ya?

Today I have listened to Joanna Newsom, La Roux, Julia Lee and her Boy Friends, Micah P Hinson, A-trak and now Neko Case. La Roux is actually growing on me. Not as boring as I first thought. Which is good, because at first I hated it with a passion. Joanna Newsom, what can I say other than I woke with her songs in my head. As per usual. Micah P is a bit country and I recommend everything he has done. He's very good. Neko Case, well, its the first time I've heard her. For a long time I thought she was Nico from the velvet underground. Apparently not. 1000 cool indie hipsters just deleted me from their phones, their Facebook and their Myspace, even thought they only check them ironically. Julia lee has no Myspace because she is from the 50's, and if you couldn't smoke it, drink it or fuck it back then people weren't interested. Good for them.

Wide eyed child of wonder.

I think part of my appeal is how obvious it is that I’m young and inexperienced. I am amazed that I don’t walk around with my mouth open all day marveling at the world, being impressed by everything that I see. Sometimes I am just like a child, and sometimes I am just like a hardened criminal. Sometimes I am a combination of the both.
“No” I can hear you say, “you are neither child like nor in any way mature”.
“Touche’” I say “that was a fine joke and I appreciate it”.
“I don’t understand” you respond and we do that thing where we look at each other for a while searching out some hidden meaning in what is really just an off hand remark.
I clear my throat and say “Continue”.
You say “Well, here’s a question instead. You call yourself a pessimist, what sort of pessimist are you?”
“Ah ha,” I reply, “A worthy question that I will attempt to answer”.
I frown and stroke my chin making you mutter ‘wanker’ under your breath. I pretend not to hear.
I am the sort of pessimist that is no longer surprised at the world. I am the sort of pessimist that when awful things happen I wonder, why did they not happen sooner? Here is an example. Recently in our city there was some very brutal murders. An entire family was bludgeoned to death in their house, two teens, two adults. The police are being very tight lipped about the whole thing but from what we can infer, it was random and probably unprovoked.
The fact that four people, including children, we beaten to death in their own home does not surprise me. If anything, I applaud the stunning brutality that this deed entails. I do not find it shocking, I find it more amazing than anything. Ask yourself, how would it be to beat someone to death, now, what about four people, now, make two of them teenagers, still fun?

I admire, but not respect, the complete lack of any moral ground. I admire, but not respect, when people drift so far from the norm that they are lost in their own twisted desires. I admire, but not respect, how insane some people really are. I give a slow methodical clap to those aspects of life that we can never understand because they are just too fucked up.

What sort of pessimist am I? One that is not surprised when the world rolls over an exposes its ugly face, one that expects the worst to happen, in short, the best kind of pessimist, and that is a true one.

C wat u did thar

So did anyone notice the incredible hypocrisy's in the last post? Like how I went on about that stupid church and their anti pornography stance and then how the internet is a powerful tool that should be used with a bit of thought and foresight. Tre’ ridiculous don’t you think?

I wish not to retract my statement but to clarify. Publishing photos of people on the internet because they don’t agree with your particular form of repression is an abuse of media, in my humble opinion, and should be avoided.

Saying that, I hate the religious right. I hate them so much. Catholics, Christians, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, fuck, Jedi for all I care, they all suck. Anything with "fundamental" at the beginning is bound to be fraught with dangers. This whole anti abortion no sex ed thing that seems to be happening in America at the moment borders on malevolent. That’s why I’m glad that there are sites like this for girls and this for boys.

Also, don't get me (a man) started on the whole pro-life thing. It's a woman's body and a woman's choice. Fuck you if you don't like it. Pro-life + abstinence only sex education = heaps of unwanted little children running around being 'loved' by people only because its obligatory. If I were in a situation where a woman wanted to have my abortion there's not a whole lot I could do about it. I could ask her not to, but that's it.

But, there is another point of view that I hold, because I am a tricky fucker and don't like things being uncomplicated.

We are raising a generation of women to be our sex toys. All this sex in the media, in music, in everything, it ain't healthy. I know, and its ME saying this. Perhaps if we were a little more mature about it instead of being so easily titillated it might be different, but at the moment we are treating it as a commodity that can be bought and traded. We have convinced women that they are only as valuable as their bodies are appealing. After years of glorifying strippers and selling this whole "sex is power" idea we have managed to trick women into believing that the most important part of them is front and centre and a bit down south. I have tried to get this idea across before but I have real trouble expressing it.

It's funny, as men we seem so surprised that women have these amazing things called vagina's. I mean, I've probably seen a million different vagina's now but pop a real one down in front of me and I turn into a directionless mess. What did Vice magazine say about them, "hairy smiling like they own the place." And they do, at least, they own any place where I happen to be.

I tell you, after a year of shitting whilst reading Vice, I have most of the articles memorised. I actually served someone that was in the kids issue earlier today. I almost said, "hey, aren't you from Vice, like, 3 years ago?" but I didn't want to scare him. He looked like puberty was really taking its toll on him. I wonder what happened to the girl that was in the article with him. She was one sexy 13yr old.

And that's it, I'll catch you later when I perform another of my amazing moral back flips whilst twisting out of my own grip. I'm like my very own sideshow.

I'm sorry. *NOTE* at the end of this post I put a link in the word sideshow to a bunch of very offensive photos, for which I apologise, hence, "I'm sorry". I had a massive anxiety attack last night that the wrong person would see it, so the first thing I did this morning was take it down. How's that for having a spine?

One or two things.

If you had to choose one super power out of the following, which would you chose?

The ability to known when there is a prosthetic limb in the room. It works a bit like Spidermans spider sense. But for prosthetic limbs.

So which one did you chose? How handy would that be on a date, right? Or on the tram this morning when I couldn't figure out if that guy had a fake arm or not. I'd use that shit all the time, I'd go into a restaurant and be like "*sniff sniff* I think I smell fake leg. Everybody wait while I source it out". Then I could bet with my friends who had the fake leg, and I would win every time.

So have you ever been to this website. I doubt it because you probably aren't a right wing christian fuck face. These people are in line with that church that protests military funerals, whatever the fuck they're called. The Westboro Church of people with A.B.I's, Fred Phelps I think is the founders name. Anyway, basically, the christian right is protesting a porn store in middle America, somewhere in Indiana, I don't really care all that much but go have a look at the stupid website to see how fucking retarded these people are. Check their opinions page, especially the opinions that are written dripping with sarcasm and irony that is obviously missed.

I am also very anti-internet censorship. I used to think that the interent was only porn and violence then I realised, it was all that I was searching out so of course that's what I thought.
Now that I have discovered lolcats I understand that the internet is not just porn and violence, its image macros of animals too! True, the internet makes for faster proliferation of some types of pornography ie CP in all its gory, but as the latest political unrest in Iran 'showed' us, the internet can be a handy tool as well.

Maybe look at it like this, what if when power drills came out all they were used for was drilling holes in your dick, you wouldn't like them would you? You'd be all "yeah, I can see the point, they drill holes in your dick" but you would probably finish that statement up with "but I don't want anymore holes that I already have". All it takes is one guy to knock up a quick coffee table and secure the legs with his dick drill and everyone would be all over it, you know? Its this whole 'association' thing. People associate the internet with pornography and gross pornography at that. All we need to do is shift the focus. Twitter almost turned the web into one big political discussion which was good, but after a while everyone went back to checking The Hun and promptly forgot about it. Which is fine, baby step baby steps, but it would be nice if we could stay on track.

What we need is one major political event per week that the liberal white community can get behind and blog about from their (our) couches in Fitzroy. Something involving human rights, perhaps some sort of sexism against women and inadequate health care and people of colour. Not too dark, mind you, but dark enough that if were to be seen with them we could hope that someone would say something like "Aww, isn't that progressive". You know? Maybe an Arab race, I hear they are really popular now amongst the left. And very unpopular amongst the right, which works in the lefts favor.

Wow, this is easier than I thought.

Things that I find handy being a man

Do you know how many people ask me to tie ties for them? I mean, I guess I do work in a clothes shop so it's understandable, but still. I thought that I was surrounded by gentlemen, but possibly that's just when I'm in a gentleman's club. Ahem. So go here to learn how to tie a tie.

People often ask me, they're like, "Where can I go to hear a song that describes your life perfectly?" and I tell them "Click on this link and you'll know what its like to be me" which can make for awkward conversation when you're doing it face to face not via the Internet.

So I think I'm being stalked. Just a bit. I just closed the shop to go and snap one off (means I had a poo) and there was this girl waiting for me out the front. Not waiting for the store to open, waiting for ME. Usually, I'd feel flattered and stuff but she was in last week and I tells you, she ain't right. I just googled anti stalking guide and came up with some good information packs, but I think I'll have to wait until she comes in again before I make a judgement call. She wanted to know my Facebook name but I was all like "No way". I don't need that shit yo. Not today anyway. Poor girl, she obviously has some sort of crush on me. She came in just to see me. Is that weird? Still in high school by the way.

On further reading of the anti stalker tips I have decided that they aren't in fact all that good and probably just promote paranoia. Which people who are being stalked don't like, or so I hear. One of my ex housemates claimed that she was being stalked, but I think she was being hunted. You would only follow someone like that around if you knew that at the end, they were going to die. Hell, I even considered it. Most annoying person ever but moving on.

One of the stalker tips was "If you have a "gut feeling" that something isn't right, don't second guess the feeling - go with it". I am applying that technique to the 'fried' chicken I just bought. There is no way known that I am having something that smells that bad in my gut. I would rather felate a dead dog. But I am very very hungry so, perhaps, poochie get ready.

Saw Bruno. I liked it. It was offensive so, you know, right up my alley.

You know, I think I may have run out of things already. I was going to put new and interesting things that I had found on the Internet on my blog but I'm already running low.

In the end, I ate the chicken. No I know how some women must feel when they finally roll over and give in to some creeps carnal desires. Sick in the stomach and violated but with the knowledge that they did it to themselves. You could have fought him off but no, you put him in your mouth. Oh, it was foul.

Shittest blog ever by the way.

A new day and format

So, I've given it a bit of thought and with some helpful suggestions from friends I have decided to take this whole thing in another direction, so expect a lot of links and more user friendly content. Sure, I'm still gonna rant and rage and swear and talk about cocks but hopefully in a more mature, pleasant way. Also, now hopefully women won't be afraid to read it and hopefully in turn, they won't be afraid of me. Positive re-enforcement.

So to start. I don't do cute. Cute makes me sick. The quickest way to get rid of me is to baby talk to me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's gross and I hate it. Saying that though, I found this super cute website called 'Twinkie Chan'. Go there and buy some shit. Also check out her website called 'I eat yucky stuff' which, in my opinion, is a new form of pornography that we humans are yet to explore. Thanks to her for bringing it to us.

God, she is so ridiculously cute it hurts. Also, how fucking cool are her clothes? I bet she's super high maintenance. Says me who can't even look after himself. Can I also just say that if she were to start shooting heroin or getting fuck wasted and throwing up on herself it would only endear her to me, not the other way round. As it is, she is almost a bit cute. Perhaps a video of her taking a shit would balance things out nicely.

So, has anyone ever wondered what a meme is? Have you been confuzzled by the O RLY owl, amazed yet mystified by the Technoviking? Wonder no longer, go to 'Know your meme' and they will explain it for you. Because I spend most of my day on the internet (even though I work) I often run into things which I don't understand because I am only 12 (c wut I did thar). Here's where I'd usually tell you to go to 4chan but lets face it, you wouldn't understand it and it's the worst of the worst.

And finally, something we all enjoy, 'Girls with glasses'. Hummanah hummanah.

A Grim Satisfaction

So I had this thing a little while ago where I was on the tram being hassled by this dumb fuck of a junkie for no reason, well, I had some Budweiser beers with me and he thought that I should have been drinking VB but anyway, so I’m on this tram and this fuckface, lets call him, hmm, Fuckface, is giving me all this shit, telling me he taught my sister and mother how to suck cock, how he ‘makes the drugs, don’t just sell ‘em, got so much money’ etc etc. Your average, run of the mill bullshit, but it got on my nerves pretty bad. I was considering bottling him with one of my beers but I just left it, and by just left it I mean I yelled back and made a bit of a tool out of myself. Which made me angrier. The entire time I was sitting opposite this guy, lets call him, Junkie messiah (he looked a tiny bit like Jesus). Turns out Fuckface and Junkie messiah knew each other but couldn’t remember where they’d met (I secretly bet that they had sucked each others cocks in prison). So the entire time Fuckface is giving me shit Junkie messiah is just sitting there. Finally, Fuckface gets off the tram and leave Junkie messiah with me. I ask him “Do you know that guy?” and he turns to me and says all intimidating “That’s none of your business” and I go “Sure” and leave it at that.

So it sucked, the whole thing, made me feel powerless and impotent and most of all, very very angry. Having all that anger and no release is probably the quickest way to get cancer in my opinion, there is nothing like feeling like you are going to throw up a stone purely out of frustration. Anyway, so I’ve been keeping my eyes out in case I see any of them again, you know, just in case I happen to be armed and there is no one around, well then I might see if I could exact some revenge.

Turns out I don’t need to. I haven’t seen Fuckface around since so he’s either A) dead from an over-dose or B) in goal being reamed by some Maori, which is fine too. But I see Junkie messiah all the damn time, saw him last Friday in fact. And its fantastic, and do you know why? Because he has gone considerably downhill since then, no jumper, no jacket, 4 degrees, carrying some weird random junk that he’s trying to get some sucker to buy, broke off his ass, almost crying because of his chronic need for heroin. Desperate and mumbling to himself, stumbling from one failed money seeking adventure to the next.

Oh my, it makes me laugh so much and makes me so glad. I know that you’re not supposed to take pleasure in other peoples suffering but you know what, fuck other people and fuck their suffering. I think Tool put it best, “Fuck all you junkies and fuck your short memories”. The only way this could be any better is if I saw him get hit by a car. Then as he was laying on the ground, another fitter funnier junkie came up and stole his wallet and pants.

Now all I need is to see Fuckface being told to ‘Bite the curb’ like in American History X and my life would be complete. Brutal aggressive people deserve the brutal aggressive lives that they live. The irony of saying that is that by my logic I had it coming to me and probably deserved it.

Nyah, I've done better post but really, my hearts just no longer in it.

One tricky pony.

So I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I’ve been thinking about my Stabface persona, the role he plays in my life, the reasons I have him, basically been asking myself the how and why and seeing if I can answer. And I don’t think I can. I was talking to someone the other day about how I feel I need to push myself to write confronting things, that I like to push myself to write something horrible, just so that I can feel revolted at myself. I floated the theory that perhaps I was trying to desensitize myself to all the awful things that I think, perhaps I am trying to make everyone sit up and look these terrors in the eye. But I do not think that is actually the reason. I am beginning to think that perhaps the reason is that I’m a one trick pony and my trick is being confronting. It’s not even a very good trick. Any fool can run up to someone who isn’t expecting it and yell “Vagina” or “Cock” or “Rape” or one of my many catch cries, but why? So someone can raise their eyebrows and heart rate for a few seconds? Where’s the point? Even I don’t like that sort of pointless frivolity.

I think the reason I take this plan of attack, this shocking ‘say things that no one else says’ vomiting of hate is because I’m trying to hide the fact that actually, I’m not very good. If people would look behind the words themselves they would see the skeletons of poorly formed ideas fleshed out in anger. I hid my inability for so long, perhaps if I confront it head on I can make something of it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I fooled you all, none of this is any good and none of this is worth anything. To take something away from any of this is like trying to get your nourishment from the air itself. Empty empty calories wasted on saying hateful hateful things. Filling the air with bile, surely I could be more productive with my time?

I have trouble writing anything else though, I try and write touching and it comes out as touched and not good touched but bad touched. I try and write about the good times and it sounds like a blind man trying to describe something visual, something totally foreign to him.

It sounds like I'm about to finish this and go cut myself the whole time crying "why mummy why" but really I'm going to *insert off colour joke about masturbation here*.

My love for inanimate objects knows no bounds.

There is a tenderness hidden amongst all this gristle.

So here’s something you probably didn’t know about me. Did you know that I sleep with a teddy bear? His name is monkey, and he is, believe it or not, a monkey. He has a knitted body and a rubber face, I think that there used to be a generic face that people could buy and then knit their own bodies, you know, like how back in the day we were more resourceful and could actually do stuff, as opposed to now, when we can't. Anyway, during times of duress I tend to regard him as sort of a talisman, also, I can tell how I’ve slept during the night by his position when I wake up. He sleeps at the foot of my bed and I tuck him in before I tuck myself in. We’ve been together for a while now, but there was a long time where we apart. He got eaten by a dog when I was younger, chewed his damn face off. I remember being very distraught. I loved that monkey. I never thought I’d see him again, but then my mother found another version of him at a garage sale a few years ago. I was so happy. I never thought I’d be the kind of guy that would have a teddy when he was older and to be honest, in a way, its kind of embarrassing.

A friend of mine sent me one of those emails a little while ago that has a list of questions that I had to finish off like “I wish…” or “My happiest memories are of…” and unfortunately I happened to be in a bad mood when I received it so I answered it like a little emo bitch, for which I apologize. I had to have a bit of a think about the happiest memories one though, which was a bit of a bummer. Nothing seemed to jump to mind, I mean, I could have listed so many unhappy memories it would have been like reading a misery memoir, but anyway, after giving it some thought I listed a couple. One I forgot to mention was a memory of me sitting at our kitchen table feeding Monkey soup. If I could go back to any time in my life, I think it would be then. I remember being so happy with him there, my friend, my companion, Monkey. When I tuck him in at night I can’t help but think about this. I wonder if he remembers me? I hope so.

Wow, have you ever had that thing where you try to write something a bit sweet and tender as opposed to your usual creepy smut and then you read over it and realize that its still as creepy, only with out the smut. Fine, I may as well top it off then. From where I stand at work I can see out the window, across the road and into the public toilet that is on the corner. Yesterday, I accidentally saw an aboriginal lady take a shit. Take that my eyes.