I have never cut myself but I might start now.

I just served two girls. They were stunning. One was tall, possibly German, wearing blue frame glasses. She had on white peddle pushers and heels. I think she was wearing a g because i could see the tan of her buttocks through her pants. Blond. She threw me a smile and the only way i could respond was by biting my wrist. I almost screamed at her "Jesus woman, are you trying to kill me?" Fortunately, I refrained. It was hard not to just fall down twitching, muttering, crying. Oh god.
Then there was the brown skinned girl with the super accent and perky pair. It was like they were pointing upward into my mouth. Her accent was a mix of Singaporean, Scottish with some American thrown in. We talked about the gift that her boyfriend was getting her. Fuck him. Her teeth were large and white. It was like serving an Abercombie and Fitch commercial. With tits and ass.
Just now as i am writing this (i am at work) a girl walked in with the full blond rocker billy look that made me actually want to cry. Like, just weep for it all. She bent over to look in the cabinet and of course, i imagined hiking up her skirt and eating her out.
Any piece of skin i see just makes me think of sex. I wonder if i can be celibate and still go to sexaholics anonymous. Thank god i am not addicted to masturbation. My excuse is i just like it a lot. Ah ha ha.
Oh, and now a young girl, 'bout 17 just lent over in front of me in her loosey goosey blouse and showed me some boob. Accidentally of course. She asked me to show her some things in the cabinet (i am beginning to hate these cabinets) in what turned out to be a husky woman's voice issuing from a tweens body (did i really just say that?).

This whole things is basically just my cock lamenting. It cries salty salty tears.

At least this one was funny.

The suicilly season.

Merry Christmas you fuckers. God i hate this time of year. Its boring, the streets are full of drunk people, men feel obliged to wear stupid ties and women seem to go out of their way to get raped at Christmas parties. You know what I'm sayin'? Its all total fucking bullshit. I am embarrassed at how much money i have spent already. And the shit that i have picked up think "oh this might be good for..." and then i catch myself and instead move to the sharp items section and think about stabbing myself in the chest.
I am fairly certain this all comes down to needing to get laid. Its itty-bitty shorts and titties as far as the eye can see (about 2 meters) and they all want in my shop. For fucks sake, i am thinking of going to a brothel on the way to work, just so i don't have that super horny sexual predator look in my eyes. You know the look I'm talking about. My lurker look. It goes well with a hat pulled down low and some general fumbling around the groin area.
I have been having some of the most explicit dreams that I've ever had. Some ass, some ass, my kingdom for a piece of ass.
Oh Jesus, come save me now you retarded home-birth. Where are your skills now, other than giving fat girls a name to yell out during sex, what else can you do? Can you save me from my crippling depression? Why don't you get back to me on that one. I'll wait.

I am a thrashing snarling beast that worries about disturbing the neighbors. I am angry and sad and elated all at the same time. Putting a blouse back on the rack i am enveloped in a woman's perfume and go from baleful to broken. I am so proud of my face and its ability to lie. Hopefully it told you pretty things, because i can't.

Spank my ass and call me crazy.

So I'm back staying at my cousins. House hunting hasn't been that good and I'm not ready to accept somewhere that I'm not comfortable in. I just missed out on what seemed to be a really good place and I'm kinda disappointed. Oh well, there really is nothing I can do about it.
Staying at my cousins has its pros and cons. She is a wonderful cook which is AWESOME, and a light sleeper which is not. I had this funny dream the other night that people were standing outside my bedroom door trying to get in but they couldn't. I could hear them saying "Whats he yelling about". Turns out it wasn't a dream, I was in fact calling out in my sleep. It made me wonder how often I've done this before. I just spent a month alone, did I do it then? What was I saying? Was I angry, upset, confused? I have no idea. I kind of wish I knew.

So I was thinking about this last night as I sat outside and had a smoke. I allowed myself to drift off a little and imagine what it would be like if I were sleeping with someone, what would they say, how would they react? Then I did that thing where you have an imaginary conversation in your head with someone and I caught myself smiling and I pulled up short because I realised...
I have the beginnings of an imaginary girlfriend. We talk all the time, I think she works in a bar. Sometimes when we're lying in bed she'll whisper things to me.
This is difficult to write, you see, because I am unsure of how much to reveal before I have revealed too much. Just how crazy is crazy?
She is only there at night, and only when I am tired and stoned. She even has a goddamn name. One of my favourite things to imagine is I'm cooking her dinner and she comes home and sits, relaxing, watching me, or else she's doing the dishes and I come up behind her and put my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder and she leans her head on mine. I tell her I love her and she smiles. We stay that way for what could be hours.

It seems I crave the most basic of domestic comforts. The littlest touch, perhaps, to lie together like puppies. To admit this makes me feel so fucking pathetic that I hate myself with a vengeance.

No wonder I cry out in the night.

Bash that fucking face in.

Do you know what i do sometimes? And don't say masturbate in the mirror because i stopped doing that when i realised my 'O' face was a lot like my bored face. No, sometimes when I'm a bit 'unhinged' I like to imagine myself beating the shit out of someone. I'll extrapolate.

I like to imagine that perhaps I've caught someone stealing from my store and when i confront them they do something like, say, pull a needle on me. Instead of freezing like a little girl I spring into action. I wrench the needle from their hand and commence "Beat Down 2008". Perhaps i drag the person outside on the footpath and do it there, maybe i keep them inside and intimate. Another one of my fantasies is where i catch guy trying to rape a girl and I subject him to what is basically torture.

I think maybe what i want most is people to see me beating someone half to death. With each blow i want teeth to fly and blood to spurt. I want people to stand shocked and appalled, after a while someone will step from the crowd and pull me off whatever is left. I want to see horrified faces and revulsion in peoples eyes. I want to be surprised at my own savagery, but at the same time, satisfied with the animal inside me. I want people to cower when i look at them.

What I want most of all is for everyone to be afraid of me.

Jesus fuck.

Blah blah i went to a party on the weekend and had lot and lots of fun. Well, had a bit of fun, you know, had a few drinks, had half a pill, smoked about my own body weight in weed. It was ok. I forgot that these 'party' things can be enjoyable. Mind you, i did have the urge a few times to wander off and be alone, which i did and was nice, but you know, it wasn't all that bad. I'm feeling pretty furry today though, i can't deny. Vague, can't focus, highly unmotivated. Pretty much as per usual but with a few of the edges knocked off. I am finding myself quick to anger today. Who'd a thunk it? I did have a very nice time during the whole 'coming down at home' period that was sunday morning between 5-7am. Smoked so much pot, watched dvds, felt my brain melt. There was a wonderful bit where i was lying down, just falling asleep with my body twitching around me. I forgot how i can really enjoy some parts of the whole 'drug experience' but not the entire thing. I didn't really have any blank spots in my memory though, which was nice.

This post is not really about anything. I just wanted to type. I got up to some shenanagins on the weekend but i can't remember who reads this so i don't know if i can post it or not. You know, secrets secrets.

I have watched 72 episodes of scrubs in one week. At this party, i kept turning around thinking that J.D. or Dr Cox would be there. I know, weird huh. I talked for a while with a very beautiful young lady with a very strange accent. It was english australian canadian, all at the same time. No joke. In one sentance you'd get all three. It was pretty far out. I thought that she was joking to begin with. And joel, you were right. She was a Lesbian. Goddamn it. They're everywhere at the moment.

Went to dinner with a friend on sunday night. We had dumplings and they were great! Sat in the city watching a parade of milky white asian girls legs walk past. It was assmazing. Went home, watched a few episodes of the Mr Show show with David cross. Its actually not that good. Watched some family guy. Its so much better. I am now half way through Curb season 5. I love Cheryl. I remembered that i'd had a sex dream about her, which was nice. Last night i ate a steak as big as my face, it was huge. I dying to take a huge meaty poo though. Its gonna smell so bad i just know it. I have taken to wipping with baby wipes. Have you tried these things? They're awesome! Like a face refresher, but for the anus! Yay!

I gotta go, this makes hardly any sense and its time to clock off at work.

I have no home but I must blog.

Alright, this is totally fucked up right here. I am now officially homeless. I am staying at my cousins house for a bit (bless her) and I have had heaps of offers for places to stay, but no where to call my own. Yeah, pretty wacky. And it has absolutely nothing to do with money which is making it feel even weirder. I'be been to heaps of house interviews and nothing. I'm begining to suspect that people just don't like me. Which is fair enough. Being homeless is just keeping it interesting for me, you know how I roll, bit of excitement here, a bit there, never lie down on the job, you know, all that guff.

But seriously, this is totally fucked up. It hit me this morning as I was opening up my store thinking, "I could sleep here". It wasn't a pleasant realisation. But I'm tough, I'm strong, I'm a killer with a baby's face, I'll find something. Right?

Anyway, so I'm staying with my cousin but I have a slight problem. I don't want to intrude on their way of life at all, if I could lurk in the rafters I would, swoop down later to clean and pack them lunches for the next day. So this problem I have, its not serious, in fact, its kinda funny, but its very very invasive. Its my feet and they stink. And I am serious, they fucking stink. They mother-fucking-cock-sucking stink. In my mind, when i refer to them i call them my shit-heels. They turn my socks funny colours. And not funny "ha ha hilarious" but "I've never seen that colour outside of a bruise" funny. It is hard to describe the smell exactly, picture, I don't know, an animal that is made out of feces and blue cheese that dies and starts to decompose. That's what my feet smell like. They are rank beyond belief. I have wondered how carrion eaters poo smells and I'm fairly certain it would smell similar to my feet.

I imagine that this is what hyenas shit smells like. And I'm not even close to kidding. I've lost erections over the smell of my own feet.

So no home and shit-heeled. Great. I'm going to start a blues band. We're going to be called 'The shit-heeled homeless fuckheads'. I'd ask you if you wanted to join but trust me, you want none of this.

The end.

I got something that you ain't got.

So today i'm going to talk a little about cluster headaches (CH). Purely because i dislike talking about them so much. So i won't enjoy this any more than you, great, here we go.
What is a Cluster headache? A cluster headache is sometimes called an 'alarm clock headache' because they generally happen at the same time every day, without fail. For me, more often that not, they occur about 1 1/2 hours after i've gone to bed so i wake up with in incredible pain. They generally last about half an hour to 45 minutes, but can be both shorter and longer. They also come in cycles, with up 3 attacks a day, each cycle lasting about a month, then i can have any where from 6-12 month pain free before they start again. And generally always at the same times of year, for instance, when winter is moving into spring, spring into summer, that kind of thing. They really do move like clock work. A weird shitty pain filled ass clock of hate and loathing, but some sort of stupid fucking clock all the same. Wake up, its time to hate yourself and curse the world. Who sets their alarm for that?

So i have a medical condition. Its strange, 'having something'. Like leukemia, or cancer, or AIDS or whatever. Does it make me different? I guess it does, I can't drink alcohol, shouldn't smoke cigarettes and can't wear cologne because its one of my triggers. Sometimes i have to sleep upright, and at the moment i am managing my CH using oxygen, I have a big bottle of compressed O2 at the foot of my bed that I get on whenever i feel a CH coming on. Generally i also wrap my head in ice packs, but i have to change them every half hour because my head generates so much heat that they melt very quickly. When having an attack you can't lie down because it increases the pain so usually you sit up or as a lot of people do, pace around.

What is it like having a CH? Its like the most intense ice-cream headache that you've ever had. I know it sounds ridiculous, but imagine an ice-cream headache so bad that the pain makes you throw up and then start planning your very own quick and painless death. Oh yeah, for a while cluster headaches were known as 'suicide headaches' because many people killed themselves because of them. Not even close to joking. I usually consider suicide at least once per cycle, or, if my attacks are really bad, once per day. One good (good?) thing is that when the pain finally subsides, the relief is truly a thing of beauty. Its difficult to describe, i guess the main thing is that in contrast to the pain, no pain is fucking heaven. Often after i have had a particularly bad attack i find myself almost passing out from relief. I imagine this is how junkies feel when they have been hanging out for a while then finally score.

Are there other ways to manage CHs? Yes, there are a variety of drugs with names like sumatriptan, rizatriptan, cafergot and other things that make them sound a lot cooler than they actually are. I have heard morphine works, i have not tried it yet but it is on the list. Many pain killers don't work so its no use trying them. I have a particular fondness of nurofen plus but i think that its mainly a placebo effect.

I guess the worst thing is that this condition robs me of my dignity. I become a sweating twitching mess that moans an waves his arms around above his head. Why? Because sometimes that helps. My legs kick like i'm giving up heroin and my breathing becomes slow and laboured and i find it best to breath through my mouth. My whole body tenses up and in the very thick of it i often have very bizarre waking dreams. I almost woke my housemates up the other night to drive me to the hospital because i was in so much goddamn pain, but i didn't want anyone to see me in that state so i just massaged my head with ice. It worked, but i would really like to see how morphine works one of these days. Anything that stops them dead has got to be alright in my book. One day i would really love to just let myself go, scream, cry and bang my head like many other people do, but i have a certain sense of pride. Weird, i know.

below is a scale they use to gauge the pain. I have had the 10s, but since i stopped drinking, i generally don't go there so much any more. Also not smoking so much helps heaps. I should really give up smoking, but i am just too addicted. Generally i surf at about a 7-9. If i get on it quick with the O2 i can keep them at about 5-6. If i drink alcohol the night before i am guaranteed at least an 8, no questions.

So that's about it really. There isn't much more you need to know, in fact, you don't need to know any of this, but i figured, like my AIDS, i'd share.

Intensity Scale (adapted from the 'Kip scale')
0. No pain, life is beautiful
1. Very minor, shadow's come and go. Life is still beautiful
2. More persistent shadow's
3. Shadow's are getting constant but can deal with it
4. Starting to get bad, want to be left alone
5. Still not a "pacer" but need space
6. Need to pace and move and drive your fist into your temple
7. Pretty bad, left feeling exhausted after it finally leaves.
8. Time to scream, yell, curse, head bang, rock, whatever works.
9. The "Why me?" syndrome starts to set in. Fear that it won't stop.
10. Major pain, screaming, head banging, Hospital trip. Depressed. Suicidal.

One week in the life of the meek.

So i'm looking for a house at the moment. I tells ya, i'd rather be punching my face or stabbing my cock, looking for a house fucking sucks. Sharing, renting, you name it, it bites. Every ones all "Think of all the new people you'll meet" and i'm all "I'm too old for that shit". Fucketty fuck.

So in other news my faux-grandmother died the other day. I only met her a few times, she raised my mother but wasn't really "gran" to me. Which is ok, she didn't have to be. I feel more upset for my mother, when she rang me to tell me i had to pretend to cry on the phone so my mother wouldn't think i was a heartless arsehole. To tell you the truth, really i felt nothing.

So I have this thing, this, medical condition, called "Cluster headaches". They can be pretty debilitating, and i hate talking about it but i guess its nice to know why I disappear a few times a year and no one hears from me. They are difficult to describe, but its probably the most painful thing that i've encounted. Its like being punched in the eye, really hard, lots of times. They used to be called 'suicide headaches'. Now the call me their bitch. Go to the site and read some descriptions, or, youtube some footage of people having attacks. One of thew few things that i've found helps is pure oxygen. At the moment i have a 4100 litre bottle of O2 in my room, which ties in nicely to my obsession with medical ephemera. When i feel a headache coming on i put the mask on and breath deeply for about 20 minutes. It helps. Also, i have to sleep sitting up which is pretty wack. Did you know they don't make any chairs or anything for sleeping up right in? Get on it all my designer friends.

So i'm tired because i'm hardly sleeping and when i do it has to be sitting up, i'm in pain that i can't really escape and judging from my reaction to my mothers mother death, it turns out that i'm hollow inside. I really want to fuck my bosses wife too, you know, just though that i'd throw that in there because I figure i can't really get any more fucked up. Sometimes i feel like a caricature of someone that i wrote when i was really angry and sometimes i feel like i'm just taking the piss out of myself. You decide, i couldn't be fucked and i don't really care anyway.