Is Barak Obama the next Adolf Hitler? Our Man Punchcock find out.

I'm just putting it out there. I mean, when was the last time we had such a wonderful orator, i mean, the dudes amazing, whenever i hear him talk i just want to wrap myself in his voice. I wonder what Michelle Obama thinks, I can imagine her saying to him in bed "You think you could go down town?" and he'd reply in that silky baritone "Yes I can" and she'd sigh and lie back all contented. The inauguration was similar to some of Hitlers Nuremberg rallies, look at the amount of people, every time he takes a breath people cheer. And people follow him, without question! When was the last time there was someone in history that stood up in front of all those people and converted them on the spot to their cause. 1929-1944 is when.

I'd follow him. I stayed up last night to watch the inauguration but couldn't last it out. I mean, it was good and everything but those Americans just love to fill air-time with crap. Boring boring crap. But Mr Obama, man, i could just sit and listen to him read for hours. Apparently he is a remarkably calm person. Did you see all those people waiting to greet him? Do you remember Bush's inauguration? People threw eggs at him! Eggs! And there were riots. I'm sure if Obama had said "I want a line of people all ready and waiting to suck my cock" he'd have been presented with a scene similar to those clowns you see at circus side shows. You know, the plastic ones. With open mouths. Blower clowns i think they're called.

Now don't get me wrong, i fucking LOVE the guy. When he bought Michelle Obama up on stage and referred to her as his "best friend, the love of my life" I swear i teared up. I've never really felt like things might be OK if only the right person were in charge, but now, now i think that maybe its true, maybe the right person has come. Even if all Obama does is inspire us to hope, to strive for better things, that can't be bad can it? Suddenly waking up in the morning is not the negative that it used to be, suddenly it appears that tomorrow too, might be worth seeing through. I've never really felt this way before. There is a wave of positivity to be surfed all the way onto the new shores of tomorrow. You know?

I guess I've never had faith in anyone, I've never had the belief that one man could change the world. I expect the worst from everyone, EVERYONE, no matter who they are. In truth, i think I'd find it more personally satisfying to see Obama fail, but at the same time, i think that it would crush me entirely and it would ultimately be the thing that I'd use to reassure myself that this world is not worth living for. Last night as i was going to bed i heard people in another flat yelling (they were obviously watching the inauguration) and i had a terrible fear that someone had done the worst and the next great hope for the world was already dead, that the light that had flared in the darkness had already been extinguished. I got up and turned the television back on. To my relief, the flame burned on.

Is this wanky? I can't tell. I'm too blinded by devotion.

Also, I really wanted to swear more in this but it just didn't seem appropriate. Actually, could they stop fucking mentioning that cunt god? Every damn person who gets up on stage with a microphone has to fucking mention their bum-buddy G to the O-D.

I just served an extremely thin lady who was trying on dresses because she was 'pregnant'. The actually said "I have trouble finding any thing because I'm about to pop". I did not know that you could carry a phantom pregnancy full term. I guess with a black president, now anything is possible.

Small things amuse small minds and mine is the smallest.

I have nothing of importance to say, only a few trivialities. So here goes.

I got a house. Well, a place to live, its a flat. Its not bad, smallish but not bad. Nice quiet area. Hello 13hr sleeps. I can not fucking wait. It's near Ikea so I can get high on my weekends and go 'shopping' (read "freaking myself out"). Also, have you ever been to the cinemas in Victoria gardens? Empty! Its like a ghost town in there. Last time I went I thought that I had walked into a zombie movie. I was only scared because I didn't have a weapon, although, chances are that if I did go in heavy that I would have accidentally shot some poor customer service kid because, and I'd love to see this hold up in court, I would have thought he was one of the undead. They are fucking everywhere you know. Don't deny it.

So you may remember a post called "Jesus Fuck" when at the end I casually mention that I've been wiping my ass with baby wipes. Wanna hear something funny? I gave myself nappy rash. Yeah, that's right, nappy rash. It was less cool than I had anticipated. Why I had anticipated that nappy rash might be cool in the first place is beyond me. Cured it though, but still a bit wary of the wet-ones. Why am I cursed with this hairy ass, surely if I were a bit less hairy I won't have to be in the "stinking of badly wiped ass OR itchy and red and flakey 'down there'" conundrum.

Also, I FUCKING HATE the term "down there". Where is 'down there' exactly? Is it Antarctica, Mexico perhaps? Oh, you mean genitalia? Why the fuck did you not just say it? You could say 'cock' or 'va-jay-jay' or 'pussy' or 'penis' or 'cooch' or one of the other thousands of words and phrases that describe your junk. 'Badly wrapped kebab' is one, my personal favourite, 'Mr Winky' (actually the name of my cock)(yeah, I named it, whatever), is another. But that's besides the point. The point is, 'down there' is a form of baby talk like, 'go toilet'. Its "Go to the toilet" you fucking retards. What man wants to hear baby talk? I'll tell you who, pedophiles. So unless you are dressing up as a 6 year old in the vain hope of being violated in a park somewhere, stop fucking using these fucking phrases. Chances are though, if you are dumb enough to be using these phrases you'd probably think that being anally raped in a public toilet is just another form of affection, much like some of the other forms of affection that your step-father used to show you. Remember how he used to touch you so hard 'down there' that you'd be afraid to 'go toilet' in case there was blood in it? Well, you do now.

So I got laid the other day. Its been a while. It was casually awesome. I don't know whether it was really good or it was just my sexual frustration making it seem that way. No, it was great. Cool chick too. Smart, funny, very pretty, amazing body, good taste in music. I'm just waiting to find out that she's married for it all to slot into place. Or she has a secret dick or something. Remember, this is my life we're talking about. I can't just fall ass backwards into bed with someone like that without repercussions. My luck is not that good. Chances are, I'll write something here that will offend her and that will be it. I guess that's something to look forward to. The surprise of just how exactly I will fail at this. Gentlemen, place your bets.

NOTE: I say Gentleman at the end of this because really, as if any women read this. This is like a boys club newsletter and I am the President. I should invent a secret handshake where we all try and grab each others balls and go 'Hur hu hur'. Oh wait, we already do that. Now, at least, we'll have a reason.

Morning has Broken

So I'm staying at a friends house for a week before i move into my new place. The house I'm staying in is a MASSIVE 6 or 7 bedroom place, I'm unsure, it that big.
This morning i got woken up by the German girl next door being fucked. Hard. It really disturbed me (not just my sleep) because she was moaning moaning moaning but also saying "Please, please" and when i woke up at first i thought someone was being raped outside my window.
That was at 6:30 and i haven't really been back to sleep since then.
They went at it again at about 7:30 but from the sounds of it the guy kinda lost momentum, didn't finish the show with a bang, so to speak.
They kept running to the shower after every bout, and i was surprised that the bathroom did not reek of shit and lube when i finally got up to shower.
I also had a dream that i was going to rim someone but they wouldn't let me because they had just shelved some "Chinese anal speed".
I need a fucking hobby.
When i was going to sleep i was really hoping to dream that i was flying.

'Oh for Fucks Sake' and 'Porcelain Cock'.

So I hate my job right? Of course. Everybodys job sucks. Unless you are pussy inspector at Abbey Winters or camel toe creator of jailbaitgallery.com, then i guess your job would be awesome. True, I do serve pretty girls all day but as my inner tormentor tells me, they don't know me and never will. Just then i served two very pretty girls who i had laughing outrageously at my 'rave dancing'. They won't be back to see me though, they might come back for the clothes but that's it.

Uagh. The intro to this is awful. I wrote this a few days ago but stopped and have started again. I'm in a dangerous situation where i really want to write but i don't quite know what to write about. I have this pressure inside me that seems to be screaming like a kettle to be let off the heat, but i have no where to put it, i feel like i will just be left standing there, holding a jug of water that i have boiled for no reason, waiting for it to cool.

Trying to force yourself to write, and write something good, is like squeezing a blind pimple, you know, a pimple without a head. Like a big red lump. I don't know how aggressive you all are towards your skin, but i hunt my black heads down like panther. I'll go for anything. Sometimes with these blind pimples, the big ones, it can be a hit or miss scenario. Sometimes you labour in vain and all you get is watery eyes and a clear pus of no substance at all and other times there is an explosion out of your face onto the mirror and the relief is so palpable it feels like your skin just took a shit.


Porcelain Cock.

Did i ever tell you about how i was in love with that 17 year old burns victim? No? Maybe i did and you just didn't believe me, it's ok, I took some convincing myself. I fell though, in the end, i fell completely and totally in love with her.

So I guess here's where i flesh out the details but i really don't know what to say. I met her at work, of course, I mean, where else do i meet women. So i used to serve her, no, wait, how about this.

The very first time i ever saw her I was walking back to work from the fish and chip shop and i must have had my head down because i remember lifting it up and seeing a girl walking towards me. She must have been 10 feet away from me and i could see that her whole neck, shoulders and upper arms were scarred, if you need a visual reference, and i hate to say it, but think of Freddy Kruger. Her face was untouched and the first thing i though was "My god, that poor girl, how hard her life must be" but before i had even finished the sentence in my head she flashed me one of the most beautiful smiles that i have ever seen.
I was stunned and perplexed and felt stupid. Her smile was so life affirming and so genuine and here i was thinking that she must spend her whole life wishing that she were dead. I felt like a retard that knows nothing of human experience. For some reason, I expect people to fail all the time, when confronted with hardship, i expect them to roll over and die. I would say that possibly it has to do with faith in people. I say, unflinchingly and honestly, that generally i have none.

Here I considered going into more detail about just how badly she had been burnt, but i decided against it. Call it dignity and let it be hers.

Anyway, so later that day i served her and then i served her again some other time then again and again and soon i had quite a crush in her. I found out that she was only 17 so i kept all my flirting clean and wholesome. I kid you not. No leering, no talking about sex, none of this. I was, in truth, very charming. Jesus, listen to me suck my own cock.

Through out all of this i was thinking constantly about her. She was a very special young lady, there is no doubt of that at all. I could not work out if it was pity or lust that was propelling me when, about six months later, i asked for her number.
"Finally!" she said, and gleefully gave it.

I called her once but she was having lunch with her mum, i said call me back and we'll arrange something. She never did, and when she came into work about a week later she had a friend with her. I did not want to say anything in front of the friend, so i kept it causal and sweet. Call it massive paranoia that stopped me from hitting on a 17yr old girl in front of company. I told her again, "So give me a bell if you wanna catch up" and then went about my work.
Afterwards, a work colleague asked me what she had done wrong. I was confused.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
They were like "Well, it just seemed like you were really cold and callous towards that girl just now".
"Are you shitting me?" I replied. "I have a crush on that girl."
"Well..." they said, and then they just kind of trailed off.
I had inadvertently fucked it and i only ever saw her once again, and on that occasion, our interaction was nothing but perfunctory.


WRITERS NOTE.

I am reading 'Sex drugs and cocoa-puffs' by Chuck Klosterman at them moment on a friends advice. It is very good, i can not deny it, but i think that ultimately it will be one of those books that i read that in turn makes me question my own ability and integrity. How do i feel about myself as a person? Let me tell you this, the other night i was smoking a joint and i had a sudden and desperate urge to plunge the burning end into my eye. My hand even raised, but i stilled it.