Small things amuse small minds and mine is the smallest.

I have nothing of importance to say, only a few trivialities. So here goes.

I got a house. Well, a place to live, its a flat. Its not bad, smallish but not bad. Nice quiet area. Hello 13hr sleeps. I can not fucking wait. It's near Ikea so I can get high on my weekends and go 'shopping' (read "freaking myself out"). Also, have you ever been to the cinemas in Victoria gardens? Empty! Its like a ghost town in there. Last time I went I thought that I had walked into a zombie movie. I was only scared because I didn't have a weapon, although, chances are that if I did go in heavy that I would have accidentally shot some poor customer service kid because, and I'd love to see this hold up in court, I would have thought he was one of the undead. They are fucking everywhere you know. Don't deny it.

So you may remember a post called "Jesus Fuck" when at the end I casually mention that I've been wiping my ass with baby wipes. Wanna hear something funny? I gave myself nappy rash. Yeah, that's right, nappy rash. It was less cool than I had anticipated. Why I had anticipated that nappy rash might be cool in the first place is beyond me. Cured it though, but still a bit wary of the wet-ones. Why am I cursed with this hairy ass, surely if I were a bit less hairy I won't have to be in the "stinking of badly wiped ass OR itchy and red and flakey 'down there'" conundrum.

Also, I FUCKING HATE the term "down there". Where is 'down there' exactly? Is it Antarctica, Mexico perhaps? Oh, you mean genitalia? Why the fuck did you not just say it? You could say 'cock' or 'va-jay-jay' or 'pussy' or 'penis' or 'cooch' or one of the other thousands of words and phrases that describe your junk. 'Badly wrapped kebab' is one, my personal favourite, 'Mr Winky' (actually the name of my cock)(yeah, I named it, whatever), is another. But that's besides the point. The point is, 'down there' is a form of baby talk like, 'go toilet'. Its "Go to the toilet" you fucking retards. What man wants to hear baby talk? I'll tell you who, pedophiles. So unless you are dressing up as a 6 year old in the vain hope of being violated in a park somewhere, stop fucking using these fucking phrases. Chances are though, if you are dumb enough to be using these phrases you'd probably think that being anally raped in a public toilet is just another form of affection, much like some of the other forms of affection that your step-father used to show you. Remember how he used to touch you so hard 'down there' that you'd be afraid to 'go toilet' in case there was blood in it? Well, you do now.

So I got laid the other day. Its been a while. It was casually awesome. I don't know whether it was really good or it was just my sexual frustration making it seem that way. No, it was great. Cool chick too. Smart, funny, very pretty, amazing body, good taste in music. I'm just waiting to find out that she's married for it all to slot into place. Or she has a secret dick or something. Remember, this is my life we're talking about. I can't just fall ass backwards into bed with someone like that without repercussions. My luck is not that good. Chances are, I'll write something here that will offend her and that will be it. I guess that's something to look forward to. The surprise of just how exactly I will fail at this. Gentlemen, place your bets.

NOTE: I say Gentleman at the end of this because really, as if any women read this. This is like a boys club newsletter and I am the President. I should invent a secret handshake where we all try and grab each others balls and go 'Hur hu hur'. Oh wait, we already do that. Now, at least, we'll have a reason.