Spank my ass and call me crazy.

So I'm back staying at my cousins. House hunting hasn't been that good and I'm not ready to accept somewhere that I'm not comfortable in. I just missed out on what seemed to be a really good place and I'm kinda disappointed. Oh well, there really is nothing I can do about it.
Staying at my cousins has its pros and cons. She is a wonderful cook which is AWESOME, and a light sleeper which is not. I had this funny dream the other night that people were standing outside my bedroom door trying to get in but they couldn't. I could hear them saying "Whats he yelling about". Turns out it wasn't a dream, I was in fact calling out in my sleep. It made me wonder how often I've done this before. I just spent a month alone, did I do it then? What was I saying? Was I angry, upset, confused? I have no idea. I kind of wish I knew.

So I was thinking about this last night as I sat outside and had a smoke. I allowed myself to drift off a little and imagine what it would be like if I were sleeping with someone, what would they say, how would they react? Then I did that thing where you have an imaginary conversation in your head with someone and I caught myself smiling and I pulled up short because I realised...
I have the beginnings of an imaginary girlfriend. We talk all the time, I think she works in a bar. Sometimes when we're lying in bed she'll whisper things to me.
This is difficult to write, you see, because I am unsure of how much to reveal before I have revealed too much. Just how crazy is crazy?
She is only there at night, and only when I am tired and stoned. She even has a goddamn name. One of my favourite things to imagine is I'm cooking her dinner and she comes home and sits, relaxing, watching me, or else she's doing the dishes and I come up behind her and put my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder and she leans her head on mine. I tell her I love her and she smiles. We stay that way for what could be hours.

It seems I crave the most basic of domestic comforts. The littlest touch, perhaps, to lie together like puppies. To admit this makes me feel so fucking pathetic that I hate myself with a vengeance.

No wonder I cry out in the night.