The Newsroom. Episode 4. The fucking one with that fucking Coldplay song. A review.

Oh man, does this show suck giant hairy balls. The worst part is, I’m totally hooked and I don’t think I’ll be able to restrain myself and I’ll end up watching the rest of the series, hating every goddamn minute of it. I don’t even know where to start, fuck it, I guess here will do. Alright, so in the first episode there’s this one classic Alan Sorkin walk and talk scene where these two people are, yup, walking briskly down a bunch of corridors, their mouths on rapid fire as other people come into the edge of shot and hand one of them a piece of paper and say things like “The Numbers” and then scurry away looking frantic. The two main characters stride confidently along and everyone bows and scrapes to get out of their way, the whole time having such spirited and enthusiastic engagements that they look like they’ve spent the whole afternoon smoking meth. To be honest, to me everyone just looks like they’ve had too much coke and are just grinding furiously away at what’s left of their teeth.  Also, they all look like they’re dying to take a shit which really helps with the whole coke thing. And speaking of full of shit, lets move on to the characters, whom nobody cares about and we all know I’m only half heartedly going to talk about one of them so let's get this charade over with.  

The main one, the guy, Will Whats-his-name, I don’t know, whatever, I could wiki it but do you care? Anyway, so the premise is he’s had this ‘moment of clarity’ and they (the powers that be) decide to build a news show about good honest truth and seriously, just wiki it, anyway, he sort of wants to become this news pariah or good ol’ fashioned journalist and for Christs sake, have you wikied it yet? Anyway, he sucks, he’s just a rich asshole trying to make good in the world but really he’s just another rich asshole doing things that satisfy his own self-serving needs. I can see people really aspiring to be this character because they want to be a journalist, which is pretty scary because it’s almost like wanting to be a hyena instead of a lion because you prefer the taste of carrion to fresh meat.

Anyway, he’s bullshit, his character is bullshit and the rest of the show is bullshit, and just when I thought they couldn’t lay it on any thicker at the end of the fourth episode they play a fucking Coldplay song, you know the one, it goes ‘And I will try to fix you’ in a really wailing voice and every time I hear it I want to simultaneously vomit and punch a puppy in the face, you know that song? Yeah, well they play that song in its ENTRITY over an overtly emotional scene and the only reason I watched it through is I couldn’t decided whether I’d rather slam my computer on my dick and run screaming through streets or to try and carve my initials into one of my own turds, with my own teeth, than endure another episode of this awful awful shit. I would rather peel my hand and then feed it, still attached, to cats than endure another hour long cat shit smoothie that is The Newsroom. I would rather crawl up a whales dick hole and suffocate than hear another ‘fiery exchange between people who both want the same thing but just don’t realise it yet’. I would rather stick a hungry ferret up my arse than watch one more episode of that, you know what I’m going do, I’m going to list all the things I’d rather do.

I’d rather set fire to my feet and then be made to kick a peacock to death in front of my mother, I’d rather let soldier ants nest in my bladder, I’d rather bats flew out of my pants whenever I took them off, I’d rather cum baby spiders everyday for the rest of my life than watch one more episode of that god damn show. I would rather eat breakfast cereal made exclusively out of dogs teeth, I would rather skin a live lamb in front of a primary school, I’d rather drown a clown at a crèche, I’d rather crash tackle a premature baby in an incubator in front of its horrified family than be subjected to another episode of that so called television show, The Newsroom.

The thing that I’ve enjoyed most about this is calling the writer Alan Sorkin because I know that the only people that it will annoy are people that I’d enjoy annoying.

For the record, I did not enjoy this show. No stars.