The perfect resume.

So yesterday I had to write a cover letter to attach to a job application. This is what I wrote and sent and it wasn't until hours later that I actually went "Oh wow, that's fucked up". You can laugh, it's funny, but your suggestions are not necessary, it is what it is and I am what I am, a fuck up with a sense of self sabotage that gives Mickey Rourke a run for his money. And so, without further ado, here's why I won't be getting a job any time soon.

Hi, my name is ---- and I thought I’d just write a little about myself. From my resume it’s obvious that I have a very heavy retail back ground, it’s something that I have enjoyed and that I am pretty good at, I like to pride myself on my customer service and my affability. But retail is not where my heart lies. I have enjoyed writing since I was a child and haven’t really stopped since then. I write mainly for myself but like everyone else now days I have a blog, a tumblr, a twitter and all those other things that distract us from day to day life. I had my own zine for a while and I have written for a few magazines, I did a small piece for an online magazine called Stimulus Respond and last year I wrote the advertising pages in ‘Harriet’, a free local magazine based in Northcote. My pieces were all very well received and I was a happy with how they turned out. My style is probably best described as ‘young and edgy’ with a bit of humour thrown in, but it’s not zany, please do not describe me as zany. In my opinion, zany best describes people who wear clown costumes and drink themselves to sleep at night, trying hard to be funny whilst reeking of booze, their whole image eclipsed by the obvious wretchedness that is their lives.  I’m tempted to say that zany is just a man with a propeller hat on his head and a shotgun in his mouth but I fear that might be inappropriate in a cover letter. We’ll see huh.

So that’s me, my interests include music and video gaming, I like to ride my bike in nice weather and I thoroughly enjoy a good lunch. I have a pretty good knowledge of literature and I’m fairly up to speed on pop-culture. One thing that people always seem to find interesting about me is I generally try to think outside the box. I find that I have a unique point of view and I enjoy seeing things from a different perspective than a lot of other people and I think that people like being presented with ideas that are out of their realm of thinking.

And so now we come to the end of this cover letter. Considering that you are a creative agency I thought I’d give myself a little reign and try to make this not so standard, I am unsure if that’s what you wanted or not but it is what it is and I am what I am. I hope you enjoyed it and if you’d like to see my folio then feel free to ask, you are also more than welcome to call me on (my phone number) or email me at (my email address). I thank you very much for your time and if you have any questions queries or comments then my details are above. 

After re-reading that I realised that even I wouldn't hire me, not even just to have around to keep things interesting.