Perceptions.

So with all these headaches comes a lessening of my grip on reality. For every hour that I don't sleep and spend in pain instead, I seem to be taking a step away from what real and whats not. I have realised that the worse my headaches are, the weirder I think. Quite often I'll start having quite strange thoughts before a headache has even shown its face. The other night I was having this weird waking dream where one of my friends (or possibly me, it was pretty surreal) was arrested for touching the Queens breasts and when asked about it he (I) replied "All I did was touch some sluts tits" which I found pretty strange, even for me. I remember thinking, "wow, that's a bit harsh".

So what is acceptably funny these days? In my opinion, anything goes. Sure, there is such a thing as taste but if you're going to go and do bad taste jokes, you should at least be able to read the temperate of a room before diving right in. Personally, I try not to spend any time with anyone who I might easily offend. I worry that people are too sensitive these days, that they are trying to hard to to let themselves giggle at the inappropriate therefore ruining their own enjoyment. I know that I have a hack and slash attitude to the world, I would prefer to watch it burn than anything else. I remember telling a joke once and the person got all offended and asked "Whats so funny about that?" and I looked them right in the eye and said "Your reaction".

I am wondering how people view me, you know. I was on the phone to someone the other night and she said that I sounded normal, not my usual manic self. I never know how I come across to people. Some people find me insightful, some fine me insipid, is there a middle ground where I can stand and say, "No, this is actually it, this is me all the time, this I how I am" instead of wanting to change all my answers to fit who I'm talking to. Why do I try so hard to be liked? Is it because I have such an extreme case of self loathing that I need to see my own worth reflected in other peoples eyes?


Everybody is growing up around me, that same old lament by the eternally young. Everyone is having relationships or ending relationships or starting relationships, everyone but me it seems. I need to do some serious moving on, but at the moment I'm having a bit of a hard time doing it. I rarely meet people that I would consider spending any more than about 2 hours with, finding someone that you'd like to spend the rest of your life with, well, that must be something. I've met a few people that I'd entertain the idea of growing old with, but to be honest with you, they are few and far between, or, failing that, they are gay, taken, married, pregnant, overseas or just plain imaginary. I used to dream about meeting women, like, actual dreams where I'd meet this wonderful girl and we'd have these amazing affairs, the last dream I had like that I was following her through some tropical village, hollowed out coconut containing drink and straws in hand. I remember I lost her somewhere in the crowd and I experienced a heart ache, but not as strong as the heart ache that I experienced when I woke up and realised that the whole thing was a dream, and that what little time we had spent together, well, wasn't actually real. I never dreamed about her again and it makes me wonder whether or not I have actually lost anything or am I just fooling myself. It has always been my thing to lust after the unattainable, but surely its time to stop kidding myself.

I would so like to be in love right now. Loving is fine, I love many people, unconditionally, in many ways, but being IN love, that feeling that you are appreciated and loved back, well, wouldn't that just be something. That look in their eyes, the way they grin when they see you, the way you share things, you know, being in love, as opposed to, you know, just being. It seems to me at the moment that Melbourne has exhausted its supply of interesting women and that perhaps I need to look else where for my canoodling. I say this like I am some sort of modern day Lothario, but really, its because all the chicks I know know all the chicks I want to know so now its just feeling a little bit incestuous.

I think that first and foremost I need to forget that certain people actually exist and that there are indeed many more fish in the sea, but its like when you discover your favourite dish at a restaurant, you'll want to eat that shit all the time right? At the moment I am loving wonton soup and its all I've been ordering, do I really need to try new things to see if i like them? Can't I just have what i want to order? Was there only ever one of those dishes, if so, who the fuck runs a restaurant like that? Get me the manager. I know that its our uniqueness that makes us appeal to others, but my unique dish is no longer available and its all I want, it's all that I ever wanted. I want none of these deep fried Twinkies, none of these fly by night great legs but no arse wiping ability, none of these scared but infatuated 18yr olds, none of this. I want someone who will experiment with reading The New York Times with me, just to see if it really is the best newspaper in the world. I want someone that will look after me if I ask, that will get sick so I can make them soup, someone that I will have to console occasionally, and in return, they occasionally will console me. I want someone smarter than myself but who does not treat me as such, someone who appreciates the fact that I don't think on rails like every body else. Someone to spend a bloody Sunday with, you know, someone that I can take to a cafe or out to dinner. Is that too much to ask? I know, how about I write a blog about it and expose all my insecurities for everyone to see, how about I emasculate myself for the masses, in some misguided attempt to make my self appear more like able. Now that sounds like an idea.

Jesus Christ, writing a blog about how lonely you are is like being an AIDS patient and complaining that no one wants to share needles with you. Of course they don't, who would want to share your miserable, depressing, sick and lonely life? Maybe I should start attending 'conversion' parties, I hear they're a hoot.