Shitty daze.

So I'm mid cycle of headaches at the moment, back to sleeping upright with ice packs on my head. I saw a film last night (Wolverine, don't bother) and half way through it I was writhing in my chair and sweating like a bitch. After the film I could hardly string a sentence together and had to breath like I was in labour. Awesome, and it didn't make my friend uncomfortable at all.

I have a work experience girl at my work at the moment, its the girl from "porcelain cock". Yeah. I know, funny right? Not funny at all. Its killing me. I know I talk about sex a fair bit, I understand how gross I am, but she's taken me to a whole new level. I asked her why she drank Vanilla Coke, the worst of all cokes. Her answer? "Because it tastes like coke with cum in it and I love the taste of cum. I especially love the taste of my own cum." Here's me pretending that I'm not instantly aroused. Not very well. To be cool and slightly edgy I say "I love eating pussy, love the taste" but she sees my attempt and raises me a trump, "I love sucking cock, I could suck cock all day. If I met a guy who wouldn't eat my pussy but would let me suck him off all the time, perfect". No joke. Well, i exaggerated a little, but not much. She said off of those things, just not in the one sentence. Whatever, what the fuck does it matter. She also told me about all the porn she owns. Likes a series called "Cum on my tattoo". She has tattoos. Visual image that. In a defensive maneuver, I put up all my walls and basically ignored her.

The worst thing is that after spending a day with her I realised that I quite like the girl from down the road, lets call her Kicky, I don't know why. Maybe because of her super long legs. You never know. So this morning I dropped in to see Kicky on my way to work, we had coffee, then she came to see me, twice. And it was nice and a few of my friends independently told me that they reckon she's totally into me and that I should do something about it. So I did, well, I tried, but it looks like she has decided to start liking this 43yr old rock pig. Which is awesome. Fan-fucking-tastic. So I was a prick to Porcelain (who I'm over) (even the novelty of trying to fuck the work experience girl is wearing thin) and got rejected by Kicky. And tonight, after my pre-arranged dinner with Kicky, in an effort to stay pain free, I will have to sleep sitting up, and it probably won't work like it didn't last night.

My life is so awesome right now. I considered jumping off a bridge, but I realised it wasn't high enough.

I'll end on a joke, because that one obviously wasn't funny enough.

Q: Whats messier than eating a mandarin?

A: Eating Amanda out.

and another

Q: What has smoking a cigarette and eating a woman out got in common?

A: The flavour get stronger the closer you get to the butt.

*cue applause, point to audience and whisper "It's all you", bow, curtains, lights*.

I am a lonely performer and when I go back to my dressing room there won't be any flowers and I will have to take my make up off in the mirror, all the while avoiding my own eyes.

Fin.