Uneaten meals and unfucked hookers.

So kiddilywinks, how the hell are we all today? It's rainy outside which is just perfect because I feel like laying my emotional smack down.
So here goes.
I sat across from her on the weekend and she told me one of the worst things that I had ever heard in my life. I couldn’t eat my meal and it was only through extreme self control did I not cry in front of her. I cried on the stupid tram though and at work and later at home as I tried to get ready for a party. I felt like I was in a movie being shot in slow motion and everyone around me was filmed at high speed. I cooked a beautiful steak and in my mouth it felt like putty, I ended up just cutting it into large chunks and swallowing them hole. Eat like a snake. I stared and I stared and I stared, at nothing. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t even notice how broken I looked.

I feel as pathetic now I as I did sitting across from her in my nice shirt. Out of place and out of time. Nothing to say, hardly anything to think. Only empty words and phrases to push across the table at her. We are not the kind of friends that hug but I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and contain her. I wanted her to beat my breast, tear my heart out, leave me cold and lonely, I wanted to feel these things so that she didn’t have to. If emotions were a fire I would wrap her in a blanket and cover her as I turned my back to the flames that sear me. I would wear a badge of scars so that she could come out as pink and as fresh as a new born.

This is pathetic of me. You know I never even met the guy and I doubt that I could even tell you his name. All I know is he made her happier than I’ve ever seen her and now makes her so sad that its putting me off my food.

On a lighter note, I seriously considering paying for sex. I'm thinking about taking the plunge. Me, a man who likes to experience everything at least once, has decided that perhaps there are some experiences still not experienced, that if I am indeed going to tick things off my "Done/Not done" list then I'd better start now. The list itself has about 7 items on it and i reckon about 4 of those could be taken care of all within the hooker incident. So it's primarily a sexual list. A menu for my voracious appetite. Price list included. I wonder what wine goes best with a ho's asshole. A cab sav, perhaps a pinot. I'd say the thing that goes best with a prostitute would be coke, ya-yo, Brazilian marching powder. Its like an adult version of apple pie and ice-cream (which i had the other night and was excellent but no where near as good as sex), these things just go you know? Peaches and cream, whores and toot, Smith st and meth. Somethings just belong together.

So I have this guy that comes around to my store and cleans my windows. He's boring. Like super boring. He'll be in here for anywhere up to TWO HOURS talking about himself. Then he talks customers out of buying things. WTF? I mean, seriously? Today he came in and he was talking about making a roast. He then proceeded to name every vegetable that could be roasted, but making sure that he paused between each name. Potato. Onion. Pumpkin. Carrot. Parsnip (that one was actually me because I didn't want him to get all the screen time. And he told me, "no one roasts parsnip"). Garlic. Squash. And on. And on. And on. I actually said to him, "You're not going to name all of them are you?" and he smiled, and kept naming. How many times do you have to walk off on somebody and start talking to someone else before they get the message? Maybe he will help me to lose weight. Follow me around with his stupid head leaking stupid noises that I stopped listening to ages ago. Stupid.