And another thing.

So the other day I had to run across the road to the 7-11 to grab something to drink. I run over there and at the counter is this crack head lady wearing an overcoat, tracksuit pants and some sort of ineffective singlet, every time she’d lean forward one of her breasts would fall out. She was buying something’s, I think a packet of garbage bags, some other random crap. In her right hand she had a packet of cigarettes and a Tupperware container with a mix in it ie weed and tobacco. She had something cradled under her left arm and it was making it awkward for her to put all her random shit in her bag, so she takes the thing out from under her arm and pops it on the counter.

It’s a bong, but not just any bong, it’s a giant pink cock shaped bong with balls and all. The Hindu lady behind the counter just stares at her while I start laughing. I hang around because, frankly, I want to see where this is going. Ol’ cracky can’t seem to get her head around putting all her things into the one bag so she gathers everything up and goes over to corner of the 7-11 and lays it down on the floor, spilling the bong in the process. Obviously, the water has not been changed in some time so it is like mud as it oozes out across the floor. Suddenly the entire 7-11 smells like a student house. I’m at the point where I’m just shaking my head doing the slow clap, ‘bravo’ I say, ‘bravo’. Crackhead lady still can’t work it out so she gathers everything up again and takes it outside onto the footpath where there is more room to lay everything out. On the way out of the Sev I step over her, laughing.

So then last night I’m waiting for the tram and there is this other smack head lady waiting also. She is totally on the nod, is built like a fridge and has a face as ugly as you could possibly imagine. Like, surprisingly ugly. That ugly that makes you go ‘maybe there is a god and maybe he does have a sense of humor. I bet if we were to get drunk together he’d do all that shit that’d make me cringe and worry about being beaten up or arrested but doesn’t make me stop hanging out with him, because he is just that funny’. She also has a massive herpes outbreak on her lip. She looks like a dugong and is lurching around the platform in a similar manner to Frankenstein’s monster. In a word, she is hideous. Just disgusting.

The tram comes and I get on, she tries and fails to butt her cigarette out on the ground, she gets on with one end still smoldering. At this point I am desperately hoping that she will put her lit cigarette in her pocket and set herself on fire because that would juts be fucking hilarious. No such luck, she realizes it’s lit and bends down to grind her cigarette out on the floor of the tram. Because, for once, ‘god’ is finally listening to me she falls and face plants into the ground, huge ass up and semi exposed. I laugh, loudly, without trying to cover it at all. I am the only one. Dugong lady moans ‘I hurt my shoulder’ in that hilarious smack head drawl and I tell her ‘’S’alright lady, the heroin will cut through it’.

I get the distinct impression that the people around me don’t like me. Someone helps her up and, get this, someone else give her their seat. I’m thinking, are you fucking serious? If I were to get all iced up and then get on the tram and start masturbating, would you lend me your hand? Would you be all “you can look my daughter in the eye while you do that”. No, you fucking would not, but if a chronic smack head falls face first on the tram, people leap at the chance to help.

‘Fine’, I tell myself, ‘I’ll just go home and watch Bumfights’.