My moon my man(tra)

You know what passes my lips most often? And ha ha if you said ‘a dick’ because that’s actually funny, well played. No, what passes my lips the most often is my up until now secret mantra that I repeat about 20-50 times a day and that is a fairly conservative estimate. My mantra goes like this, it goes: “I’m going to shoot myself in the fucking head”. Or a variation of. It does not actually mean that I’m going to shoot myself in the head, although true, I was trying to buy a gun there for a while, no, what it means is something is happening that I can not cope with, something is going on that my little brain is unable to handle. And it is usually the simplest of things. In fact, its usually only the one thing and that one thing, of course, is women. Women, always women.

It is the smallest things that get me, a girl will toss her hair or cock her brow and I’ll think “that’s right, that what I’ve been missing” and out comes my mantra, ready to defeat me incase I even try. Maybe I’ll see two people holding hands and they’ll smile at each other like they are in love and I’ll think “you are pathetic for even watching”. It’s like emotional pornography, watching two people happy is almost as enticing as watching two people fuck. Yah I know, weird and creepy right? And then there is the ‘you’re not good enough and never will be’ interpretation of the mantra, the ‘end it now before you embarrass yourself’ mantra.

Oh it is pathetic, I know, and it will not get any better unless I stop thinking like this and start thinking a little more positively. (I just stepped away from the computer to think and I felt my lips moving of their own accord, what was it they were saying? Ah yes, my other old favorite, ‘I wish I were dead’, for when the other one won’t do). Where was I? Talking about how I need to think more positively. It’s a bit tough you know, to think positively when you are aware of how pathetic you are. One of my finest traits is to be able to look at something and criticize it. Doesn’t matter how good it is, I can shit all over it. And probably will given half the chance. Even if I like something, I am much happier criticizing than praising. Why is that I wonder? This is the sound of me thinking.

So anyway, the other night I got home and I was thinking of this last decade that we just finished. Was it good for you too? It’s bad enough looking back at one year but then ten of them? Here is an analogy. Me looking over my last ten years is much like a man looking at a room that he has just destroyed. First up, there is shit everywhere. Everywhere. Everything is broken, all the clothes are torn up and strewn around, all the books have been ripped from the shelves and kicked about, broken glass litters the carpet and there is what looks very much like fecal matter smeared on the walls. The man is breathing heavy, thinking, ‘what the fuck did I just do and why?’. His pulse races and his finger twitch for more things to break but his searching eyes find nothing.

A man amongst the ruins that he has created. Shitty low paying job, single, drug problems, fat, unhealthy, bored. The best thing about me? I have some very nice friends. Which is nice.